As part of the contract for
your career as an Arsenal player you must abide by the following
conditions to this contract will be declared null and void and you may
be sued for breach of contract.
You will be French. There
is no leeway in this clause and should you not be French or from a
French colony, you will have to find a grandparent or relative which
will allow you to take out French Citizenship.
Alternatively, you must appear in promotional photographs wearing
a stripy jumper, with a string of onions around your neck, while burning
some British lamb.
You will be between the age of 16 and 23.
Anyone older than this will have to get a forged passport to fit
within this age span. The
club will take no responsibility for those who cannot gain entry into
France … er, sorry … England and all transfer monies paid must be
returned in full. This
should not be a problem for African players as Carlton Palmer says they
all lie about their ages.
During your stay at the club, it is almost mandatory that
you commit some illegal act of the field to fit in with your team-mates.
This can range from driving offences (for the less adventurous)
to the smuggling of pornography and cigarettes or GBH for those who are
of a "temperamental" nature.
When it is known that you are becoming a big world star,
it will be necessary to manufacture a story about your unhappiness at
the club to make sure Arsenal can off-load you for a handsome profit.
There is strictly no room for players who are considered to be
any good at this club and therefore, the Directors are happy for you to
ply your trade elsewhere as long as the money flows into the Marble
All incoming players will undergo a psychometric test to
ascertain whether you are the right player for Arsenal to sign.
Anyone who is found to be maladjusted, have no anger management
and to be a right snide little git will be snapped up straight away.
You will be expected to uphold the club's fine tradition
of unsporting play on the pitch and anyone failing to get at least three
red and eight yellow cards a season will be on their way out of the club
You will be expected to speak out vehemently about the
number of games played in England, the treatment you get from referees
and the weather at every opportunity in the national press.
For those not acquainted with Blackburn, you should expound the
horror you suffered on discovering the town for the first time.
For every game you play in an Arsenal shirt you will be
expected to make at least two offensive gestures, three late challenges
and show your studs at every possible opportunity.
Performance related bonuses are available for meeting these
There is a packet of sweets in it for you if you sign for