Choose overbearing arrogance.
Choose systematic dirty play and calling it "competitiveness".
Choose the most staged, contrived, up-your-own-arses goal celebrations
Choose having the ugliest man on earth as your centre-back and the
second ugliest as your manager.
Choose winning two championships in eleven seasons and acting like
you've won seven in nine.
Choose drawing 99% of your fanbase from the ranks of the suburban
English middle classes.
Choose Patrick Vieira whinging about having to play too much football
even though he gets six games' rest every season due to suspensions.
Choose paying £9 million
for Francis Jeffers.
Choose being "the bank of England club".
Choose Dennis Bergkamp and his carefully-timed elbows into the side of
Choose deliberately disrespecting and belittling the other team by
playing keepy-uppy in their half with a few minutes to go.
Choose forcing merchandise
vendors out of business because they might deprive you of a couple of
hundred quid on match days.
Choose fancying yourselves
as better than Real Madrid, then having Auxerre run rings around you at
Choose Sol Campbell continually tripping over himself.
Choose turning the sports section of the observer into a Gunners
Choose getting away with light or delayed punishments at FA disciplinary
hearings because you've had every possible string pulled by David Dein.
Choose a persecution complex nonetheless and never shut up about it.
Choose embarrassing yourselves in a Renault "va-va-voom" ad
and then disgracing yourselves further at the World Cup finals.
Choose David Seaman and his
public mid-life crisis.
Choose watching an opponent miss a last-minute penalty against you, then
running after him and jeering him.
Choose George Graham grinding his way to the dullest championship win of
Choose stepping forward in a four-man line with your right hands all
raised in the air, then screaming abuse at the linesman when he has the
audacity to keep his flag down.
Choose to see yourselves as
one of the giants of continental football when you've never even reached
a European Cup semi-final in your entire history.
C hoose picking Ray Parlour for over a decade.
Choose having the quietest stadium in the world ("the
library") as your home ground, and then having the cheek to slag
Man Utd about their fans.
Choose having Nick Hornby as the mouthpiece of your supporters.
Choose making umpteen lists of reasons why arsenal are so great, and
then admitting you didn't bother following them for a few years in the
1980s when they were getting shit results.
Choose Tony Adams coming out
with his usual dreary "I am a recovering addict" spiel every
time a Premiership footballer blots his copy-book.
Choose pretending that five
or six years of playing in a watchable fashion makes up for inflicting
over a century of ultra-defensive dogshit on English football watchers.
Choose Igor Stepanovs,
Nelson Vivas, Kanu, Pascal Cygan, Davor Suker, Gilles Grimandi, David
Grondin, Remi Garde, Kaba Diawara, Junichi Inamoto, Jeremie Aliadiere,
Oleg Luzhny, Luis Boa Morte, Richard Wright, Stefan Malz, Christopher
Wreh, and all the other turkeys that nobody ever mentions when creaming
themselves about how great Wenger is in the transfer market.
Choose 58 red cards in seven
years. Choose lying to the media that you didn't see a single one of the
incidents that caused all these red cards.
Choose being a bunch of smug, self-regarding w**kers who are well on
their way to being even more unpopular than Man U in less than half the
Thanks to Danny Keene among