|A long, long time ago, a boy
was taken to become the first human guinea pig in trying to create a
footballing wunderkind. An experiment to blend the brain of a
human and the strength and flexibility of an animal that ended in
Even when it was put to the men in white
coats at AFC that it was inhuman, against the very ethics of science,
that such genetic modification was heresy and should not be attempted at
any cost, they ignored the warnings and went ahead to create a monster
that was, at times, literally out of control. However, they took
on board the point about cost and spared every expense in creating their
ideal centre half.
Even when Charles Darwin was looking for
the missing link in his own football team, he was at odds to know what
to make of all this.
Martin. You are
just like us",
zipping up his
For every man who has ever walked onto a
football pitch, this is the biggest nightmare that they could ever
imagine. A man with the strength of a primate and no fear of
heading the ball, man, brick wall ... whatever.
Even American deconstructionist band DEVO
could see what was coming in their song "Q: Are We Not Men ? A: We
Are Keown". Their lyrics went something like this ...
"Monkey men all, in football kits,
Teachers and critics, all are big twits,
Are we not men, We are Keown
Are we not men, We are K-E-OWN.
God made man, but he used the monkey to
Apes in the plan, who work in groups
He can walk like an ape, talk like an ape,
He can do what a monkey do,
God made Martin, out of a monkey and
a bit of glue. "
Despite all this, he did exhibit some admirable traits though. For
each time racists threw bananas onto the pitch to taunt black players,
he would dispose of them as soon as they touched the ground.
His position of central defender was not
always the first that the boffins had marked him down for. He was
primarily designed to play in goal, as they thought that his agility and
ability to swing on the cross bar would make him ideal for batting away
the ball as it headed towards the top of the goal. This was
discounted after he insisted on an old car tyre hanging from the
woodwork and referees ruled this out as an illegal item of equipment.
On many occasions he was to trample all
over the established model of a modern footballer (Lee Bowyer, for
example) in an attempt to prove that he was just a mere man inside it
all. His long flailing arms have got him into trouble in the past
too. One of the failings of the experiment was to allow more
control of the over-long limbs and therefore, he has the propensity to
swing out when approached by Homo Australis (also known as Mark
Viduka). This basic instinct also extends to other versions of the
human form. His treatment of midget Portuguese can also be a less
than becoming trait.
Through all this he does exhibit many
human characteristics, just like any other player. See here
how upset he can get after a bad game.
And click here for more horrifying views of the
experiments from the Red Planet.
So, you see, that this has been a tale of
science and sorrow.
Make sure that its like never happens
Show your support at football matches
that you go to by waving pieces of cardboard with "SAVE CHIMP"
written on them in felt tip (we really do want you to do this).
Put posters up in your windows.
Stickers in your car.
Have T-Shirts made up with the slogan.
But whatever you do ...