the history book on the shelf
marc chinnon has shown us in the past that we learn
nothing from what has gone before, so now, he grants us a
frightening glimpse of tottenham hotspur's future with his latest instalment ...
Well that’s another season over.
It started off with selling our best player and buying ones with much less ability, continued with poor performances and too many home defeats, saw us lose patience with yet another poor manager only to replace him with another poor choice, deflated us with early exits from domestic cup competitions, saw another wipe-out when it came to trying to beat sides in the top four, delivered the disappointment of finishing outside of the Champions League places, saw us fail to deliver on early promise in Europe and left us failing to beat Arsenal and being once again in their shadow with their awful supporters laughing at us as usual.
In fact, it was just about like any other season really, with the few of us that can actually remember the glory days growing ever fewer in number. In other words, it's still bloody depressing being a Spurs fan with no end to the misery in sight and precious little hope of ever seeing our fortunes turned around.
So what does this summer and next season have in store for us ?
Well the seasons ends with an after match ‘party’ with the players doing a lap of ‘honour’ and the announcer saying how exciting it had all been and how well we’d done and what a great points total, blah blah, blah when we all know it was just yet another season of failure after failure. No matter how you dress it up mate we failed!!
Speculation is soon ripe as to who is to replace gunner Sherwood as manager – I hate the term head coach, they are managers in my eyes. He was great at talking – but in a Gooner accent and style – and tried to talk up his win ratio while totally ignoring the good hidings and his lack of ability to motivate his players. Still he will now have more time with his father (the Arsenal season ticket holding father that is) and probably enjoy seeing his stated dream of ‘would love to always see them do well’ come true at Wembley. He once said if he was cut in half he would bleed the colour of the club – but never said which club!
Its not long before the big clubs are circulating after the few decent players we have and a summer long struggle ensues but it all ends badly on the last day of the transfer window when Spurs lose Vertonghen, Lloris and Erikson to Chelsea, Manchester City and Juventus respectively, although Spurs are happy to announce new ‘partnerships’ with these great clubs that will ‘benefit our development in the future’. Where have we heard that before?
Meanwhile our super-efficient Director of Football, has been scouring the world and is instrumental in agreeing record transfer fees for a half-blind Spanish striker who cannot hit a barn door from 5 yards, a boy wonder who would be a direct replacement for Gareth Bale if only he wasn’t always injured and home sick and a host of midfield lookalikes whose clubs are left rejoicing but in disbelief at the con tricks they have just pulled. Sound familiar?
There are high hopes of some marquee signings and three players jet in at our expense but are met at Heathrow by Jose Mourinho who steals them from under our noses. We also come close to signing a left back but he chooses to stay in the Championship instead.
A campaign is mounted to oust Director of Football (failed) Baldini but Daniel Levy stands by his man. On the plus side, ITV had said he can have a job as the ‘mark’ in their next series of Hustle such is his record at being absolutely done up like a kipper every time. I liken his buying Lamella to the Yank who bought London Bridge thinking it was Tower Bridge or to anyone who falls for the ‘my brother is a prince can I use your bank account to bring his money out of Africa’ scams.
The search for a new manager is more successful however, with de Boer finally agreeing a contract but too late for him to be involved in either the transfer dealings or pre-season training and friendlies. He brings his number two - agent Bergkamp – with him, which pleases Daniel Levy’s daughter and her husband, whose father – David Dein – has been instrumental in setting up the deal. Spurs fail in a bid to buy the Dennis Bergkamp statue and move it from the Emirates to White Hart Lane, with Arsene Wenger saying that it will continue to serve as a reminder of his previous and now on-going contribution to the Arsenal cause.
As the first game of the new season approaches there is an injury crisis with about eight first choice players suffering long-term injuries. The physio and medial staff – all hand picked from the Howard Shipman School of medicine – have no idea why this has happened nor when any of the players will be fit.
The first game – against Leicester City – begins, Spurs kick off and pass the ball back to the new Brazilian goalkeeper brought in to replace Lloris but he miskicks and Spurs are one down in nine seconds.
Playing nine midfield lookalikes doesn’t really work and the new Spanish striker makes way for the old one but no one notices the difference. Spurs end up losing 4-0 at home.
The Europa league campaign is short lived as the team SomewhereIhavenotheardofstan FC score three goals in the first 10 minutes in the away leg and go on to bring a 4-0 advantage from the first leg into the return at White Hart Lane, where an early error by a sleepy Danny Rose after 30 seconds gifts an away goal and Spurs eventually lose the tie 7-0 on aggregate.
Defeats to Arsenal and Chelsea away soon follow and with only two points from eight games to his credit, the new manager comes under the microscope. It turns out that Ronald de Boer and not his twin brother Frank has been running Spurs, who had failed to pick up on the identity checks during due diligence.
Spurs sack Ronald de Boer.
Dennis Bergkamp is put in temporary charge, but Spurs go out of the league cup at the first attempt and then suffer back-to-back 6-0 defeats to Liverpool and Man City.
Dennis Bergkamp is sad to leave, but delighted to hear that Arsenal have now added a gold plating to his statue at the Emirates in recognition of his latest contribution to the Arsenal cause and the pleasure of their supporters.
Les Ferdinand is given an 18 months contract as manager, but within weeks Spurs are rumoured to be talking to Chris Hughton, Glenn Hoddle and Thierry Henry as potential successors, with the ex Arsenal striker the hot favourite.
Early exit from the FA Cup at Wolverhampton is followed by a disastrous January during which Spurs drop into the bottom three.
Les Ferdinand leaves and Spurs install Glenn Hoddle as interim coach given his previous success with the club – in other words no one else wanted the job.
Amazingly Spurs scrape a few home draws during February and shock everyone by beating Man United at home (denying the Red Devils a top half finish) and go on to avoid relegation by two points.
The Annual report outlines plans for a new stadium but as yet no work has begun and the wording looks very familiar to last season (again).
The season ends with a lap of honour…..
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