Stan Collymore is pleased to announce his new contract:
1) "I'd have had to be
mental not to join Leicester City."
2) "When I first heard about the offer I was in two minds
3) "It didn't take long to work out the contract details and
I was delighted to put crayon to paper."
4) "I think the first thing the fans will notice is my
dribbling, although hopefully this new course of tablets will clear that
5) "Of course I discussed the move with my advisors first,
and both my agent and the small purple goblin who lives in my
were in full agreement that this was the right choice for me."
6) "After working with a hot-head like John Gregory, I think
being managed by a calm, rational character like Martin O'Neill
good for my career."
7) "Yes, I was surprised when Mr. O'Neill called Ken Bates a
cretin. I wasn't even aware that Ken came from Crete."
8) "I've been studying videos of the Foxes in action - and I
really like it when the little one in the tweed suit says 'Boom!
9) "I'm absolutely delighted that we're through to the
Worthington Cup Final because the lads here tell me you can get
£200 each for your tickets."
10) "I've been saying for a long time that all I need is to
get a couple of kicks in and my confidence would come flooding
sadly Ulrika won't answer my phone calls."
Manure are playing Chelsea and
after 10 minutes Stam brings down Weah, who promptly gets up and starts
screaming at Stam.
Beckham runs over and puts his finger to his lips and
goes SHHHHHHH, then runs away laughing.
After 35 minutes, Scholes puts Cole away with a magnificent through ball
and Cole scores.
Weah starts loudly berating his defence and once more
Beckham runs up to him and goes SHHHHHHHH then runs off laughing.
Towards the end of the second half the linesman flags Weah offside who
promptly starts shouting at the linesman, once more Beckham goes SHHHHHH
After the game Keane goes over to Beckham and asks him why he was doing
that as everyone is confused by it including
the manure players.
whispers in Keane's ear why. Keane rolls back his eyes puts his hands up
in defeat and says, " No you idiot he’s
a LIBERIAN" !!
David and Victoria Beckham decided
to become adventurous and climbed to the highest peak in England. When
they reached the summit Victoria launched herself off the cliff and was
free falling when she reached into her pocket and produced a budgie,
which she held by the legs
above her head.
The little bird flapped its
wings like buggery but all to no avail and **SPLAT**!! Victoria landed
on the rocks below.
Not to be outdone, David launched himself off the cliff with a parrot on
his shoulder and as he gets half way down the
parrot flies off. He
reaches inside his jacket, pulls out a shot gun and blows the parrot
away just before *SPLAT**!!
David lands on the rocks below.
As they passed through the casualty department, Victoria turned to David
and said "Darling, this budgie jumping is not all
that safe, is
To which David replied "I don't think much of this Freefall Parrot
An office manager who supports Arsenal arrives at his department and
sees a Spurs fan sitting behind a desk, totally stressed out. He also
to have a stress problem, so he gave him the following advice to
the Tottenham man: "I went home every afternoon for
two weeks and
had myself pampered and sexually satisfied by my wife. It was fantastic
and it really helped. You should
try it too, you'll feel like a new
Two weeks later the Gooner arrives at his department he sees the Spurs
fan happy and full of energy at his desk. The
faxes are piling up and
the computer is running at full speed.
"I see you followed my advice?".
"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way
I didn't know you had such a lovely house !".
There were these three guys, Jaap Stam, Andy Cole and David Beckham who
all worked together at Manchester United. Everyday they notice that the
boss, Alex Ferguson leaves work a little early.
So one day they meet together and decide that when Alex Ferguson
leaves, they'll all leave early too. Later in the day
they see Alex
Ferguson leave early so they do too.
Jaap Stam goes home and rests so he can get an early start.
Andy Cole goes home and cooks dinner for his family.
David Beckham goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens the door
slowly and sees his wife, Posh Spice in bed
with Alex Ferguson, so he
shuts the door and leaves quietly.
The next day Jaap Stam and Andy Cole are talking and
plan to go home early again.
They ask David Beckham if he wants to leave
early again and he says, "No way! Yesterday I almost got
David Beckham walks up to a Coke machine
in a Scumchester casino, puts in a few coins and out pops a Coke. He
some more coins into the machine, and a can of Tango pops out. He
keeps putting in coins, and cans keep coming out.
A guy walks up behind him and says, "Can I please use the
"**** off!" He says. "Can't you see I'm winning?"
David Beckham had a near death experience the other day when he went
horseback riding. Everything was going fine until
the horse started bouncing out of control.
He tried with all his might to hang on, but was
With his foot caught in the stirrup, he fell headfirst to the ground.
His head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse
did not stop or even slow down. Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness,
the Woolworth's manager came
out and unplugged it.
David Beckham had just got a new sports car and was out for a drive when
he cut up a lorry driver. The trucker motioned
for him to pull over, which he did. The trucker got out of his lorry and pulled a piece of
chalk from his pocket.
He drew a circle on the road and told Beckham.
"Stand in the circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to Beckham's car and cut up his leather seats. When he
turned around Beckham had a slight grin on his face,
so he said,
"Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this."
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window
in the car. When he turns and looks at him, Beckham has a
smile on his
The trucker's getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slashes
all of his tyres.
Now Beckham's chuckling.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his
truck and gets a can of petrol, pours it on the car and sets it
He turns around and Beckham is laughing so hard he is about to fall
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asks.
Beckham replied, "When you weren't looking I stepped outside the
circle four times !!"
Posh Spice was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she
took it to the
repair shop. The shop owner saw who she was and decided to have some
He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and
all the dents would pop out. So, the thin-as-you-like
home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her
exhaust pipe. Nothing happened.
She blew a little harder and still nothing
Floppy haired hacker Beckham, upon hearing the huffing and puffing from
outside the house, pulled a tracksuit over the
skimpy knickers and peep
hole bra he was wearing and went into the courtyard.
"What are you doing?" Asked Becks.
Posh then told him how the repairman had instructed her to blow in the
exhaust pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Beckham, clearly shocked at Posh’s stupidity rolled his eyes.
"Duh! You need to roll up the windows first!"
Q: How do you confuse a Man Utd fan?
him a map of Manchester !!
A Doncaster Rovers
player is spotted by a Manchester United scout and is asked to go to Old
Trafford for a trial. After
impressing the coaching staff and Sir Alex
Ferguson, he is invited into the Scots manager's office and Fergie says,
"Son, I haven't seen anyone with your talent for a long time.
How would you like a contract starting at £25,000
The lad replies "£25,000
per week !!! I was lucky to get £250
Ferguson continues "Well son, we're talking Man United here ... the
best team in the country, you've got to aim high and think
also arranged a house for you, a 7 bed detached in Wilmslow .... set in 5
acres with its own pool and tennis courts."
The lad is ecstatic.
"7 bed detached!!! I've only got a council flat
Ferguson continues "I told you, we're talking Man United here...
the best team in the country, you've got to aim high and think
also arranged your transport, a Jaguar XK8 for the week and a Ferrari
F50 for the weekend."
The lad is on cloud nine. "A Jag and a Ferrari!!! I only had a
Reliant Robin at Doncaster!"
Ferguson continues "I told you, we're talking Man United here...
the best team in the country, you've got to aim high and keep thinking
Right I will put you on at the start of the game, but don't be
surprised if I pull you off at half time."
The lad can't believe it.
"Pull me off at half time !!! I only got
an orange at Doncaster!"
Posh and Becks were
flying out on holiday when the plane’s Captain came on the tannoy to
announce "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking."
Posh said "David, it’s that Roy Keane !"
"No, it isn’t," said Beckham "Just listen."
"I have to tell you one of our engines has failed, but there is
nothing to worry about. We have three engines left and our flight
take an hour longer than scheduled," the Captain continued.
A little later, the Captain came on again. "One more engine has
failed and the flight will now take an additional two hours. But
worry, we can fly fine on just two engines."
About an hour on, the pilot addresses the passengers once more.
"Another engine has failed and we will therefore now be delayed
three hours, but we are able to complete the flight on one engine."
At this point, Posh turns to Becks and said "Blimey, David. If we
lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day ." !!!
Q: What's the
difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Manchester United
Fan in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Arsenal lose at
home to their North London rivals Tottenham, one fan is so depressed
that he goes home and can’t face it anymore, so he hangs himself.
soon (and somewhat surprisingly) he finds himself at the gates of
He knocks on the pearly gates and St Peter appears wearing a
Spurs scarf and says "Yes! What do you want?".
The Gooner replies, "Hello, I'm an Arsenal fan and I’ve just
died. So, can I come into Heaven?"
St Peter ponders "I don't know about that. We have certain criteria
as to who we let in and being a Gooner doesn’t fit any of them!".
"But I'm really a good person and I should be allowed to get
St Peter asks "So, what good things have you done in your life
then? Being a Gooner is obviously not one of them !"
The Arsenal fan says "Err, about three weeks ago I gave 10 quid to
The Save The Children".
Saint Peter responds "Yes, is that all ?"
The Gooner pauses and says "Then about two weeks before I died, I
gave another 10 quid to Help The Aged".
The winged guardian of Heaven murmurs "That's good, but is there
anything else you've done?".
Remembering, the Highbury Heathen says "Yes, Yes. A couple of days
before I passed away I did donate another 10 quid,
this time to the
RSPCA". St. Peter said "Let me think for a minute, you gave
about 30 quid in total to charity before you
died and despite being a Gooner, you think you're a good person who deserves to come into Heaven?
Well wait here, I'll
have a chat with God and get back to you."
10 minutes later St. Peter returns and said "I spoke to the Boss
and he told me to give you this". With which St Peter hands
Gooner 30 quid and said "Here's your money back! Now SOD OFF !!"
Q: How many Manchester United fans does it
take to change a lightbulb...?
Answer One : ... Seven, one to change it, five to moan about it and Ferguson to say if the ref had done his job in the first
place the light bulb would have never gone out!
Answer Two : ... 20 million, half a million to work out how to change it and 19.5 million to say they've been changing it for
The year is 1992.
A Native American Indian is sitting at the bar of the Corner Pin, when a
Spurs fan walks in. He gets
chatting to the Indian and he discovers that
he is famously known as the Memory Man.
"Oh, yes. Ask me any
question you want and I will have the answer " he says.
The Spurs fan tries him out.
"When did Tottenham first win the FA Cup ?"
"1901" replies the
"That’s amazing" the
Tottenham supporter says.
"Who was the substitute for
Ricardo Villa in the 1981 FA Cup final ?" he asks.
The old Indian answers
"Right again" says the
Spurs man. Anyway, the Spurs fan thinks he can catch the Red Indian out
by asking who scored
the Spurs goal in the home leg of the 1972 UEFA Cup
Quick as a flash, the Indian
replies "Alan Mullery".
The Spurs fan is flabbergasted
and walks out.
After six years had passed, the
Spurs fan sees the
Indian in the pub again and thinking it would be nice to give him a
traditional greeting, he walks up with hand raised and says
"How" to which the Indian shoots back "A diving header
the six yard box !!"
Q : What do Arsenal and
a three pin plug have in common ??
A : They are both useless in Europe !!
Q: Why do so many
housewives love Arsenal ?
A: Because they stay on top for ages & then come second...
A Tottenham van driver used to amuse himself by
running over every Arsenal fan he would see strutting down the side
He asked the Priest “Where are you going,
the road in their ubiquitous red colours. He would swerve to hit them
and there would be a loud 'THUMP' and then he
would swerve back on the
One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking.
He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the
”I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the
road” replied the priest.
”No problem Father! I'll give you a lift! Climb in!”
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued
down the road. Suddenly the driver saw an
Arsenal fan walking down
road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the
last minute he
swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the Gooner.
However even though he was certain he
missed the red shirted
fan, he still heard a loud 'THUD.'
Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors
and when he didn't see anything he turned to
the priest and said ”I'm sorry Father, I almost hit the Arsenal fan.”
"That's okay” replied the priest. ”I got him with the door!”
20 years ago, three kids were playing
in the street in Manchester when they got hit by a lorry and killed.
They all go to
heaven and God says to them, "You weren't supposed
to die - you were all supposed to live out your lives. This was not
time. To make it up to you, I'll let you choose what you want to do with
your life. Take a running jump off of that cloud
over there, and as
you're flying back down to Earth, shout out what you want to do. And so
it shall be."
The first kid takes a running leap and shouts "I want to be a
barrister." And so, twenty years later, he is a very successful
lawyer, making lots of money, with an upcoming appointment to the High
The second kid takes his turn and shouts "I want to be a brain
surgeon." And so, twenty years later, he is the most admired
his field of medicine and making a ton of money saving lives.
The third kid goes to take his turn, and as he runs he trips over his
own feet and stumbles off the cloud muttering "... clumsy
And so, twenty years later ... he's still
playing left back for England.
difference between the England Euro 2000 team and the Millennium
You can't walk all
over the Millennium bridge !!
Rumours that David
Beckham was seen successfully seducing a young woman in a Brussels
nightclub with a one-liner on Tuesday night have
been completely refuted
by the English FA.
Adam Crozier, chief publicity officer stated: "I find it totally
preposterous to suggest that one of our players could make a successful
or at anyone."
George Graham to David Ginola :
David you know, one day you will die you will turn into dust, grass will
grow on it and cows passing by will eat
the grass and then they will
shit on the dust. People will pass by and say "David you have
changed a lot!"
David to George Graham : George you know, one day you will die
you will turn into dust, grass will grow on it and cows
passing by will
grass and then they will shit on the dust. People will pass by
and say "George you have NOT changed at all!"
An Islington school
teacher explains to her class that she is an Arsenal
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Arsenal
Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little girl. The
teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie,
didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not an Arsenal fan," she replied. The teacher,
still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not an Arsenal fan, then
who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Tottenham fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, tell me, why are
you a Tottenham fan?"
"Because my mum is a Tottenham fan, and my dad is a Tottenham fan,
so I'm a
Tottenham fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone,
"That is no reason for you to be a Tottenham fan. You don't have to
be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were a moron
and your dad were a moron, what would you be
"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be an Arsenal fan."
A man goes is browsing around a
shop. Eventually, when it is quite he goes up to the counter and
says.. "I would like a
uh uh ... packet of condoms please"
The assistant politely replies that this is a sports shop and they
don't sell condoms. Embarrassed, the man walks out.
One hour later he is back in the
shop, same question, same response.
Half an hour later he is back again,
same question, only this time the assistant is getting annoyed.
"Look" he says annoyed
"This is a sports shop we don't
sell condoms, how many times do I have to tell you?"
Sheepishly he looks at the assistant
and says "Sorry but I'm an A*****l fan and I would like to buy a
shirt but I'm too
embarrassed to ask.
(Thanks to Colin and Sue)
An old man had tickets to the
Spurs FA Cup Final and on the Final Day as he sits down, a young man
comes along and asks
if anybody is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," the old man says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the young man. "Who in their
right mind would have a seat like this for the Spurs FA Cup Final and
not use it?"
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me," the old man
replied. "I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed
This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we
got married 50 years ago."
"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible," says the
young man. "But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or
or even a Neighbour to take the seat?"
The old man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the
(Thanks to Declan)
Picture the scene ...
double decker bus is passing through the shanty town of London's
notorious N5 district. On board is a Spurs fan amazed
display of dereliction and dilapidation on either side of him.
At that moment, a Gooner known as Martin Keown gets
on the bus with
his extremely ugly son.
Keown sits down
next to the Spurs fan, who is so surprised at the ugliness of the baby
Keown, he remarks "That is the most hideous, repulsive and ugly
baby that I have ever had the misfortune to lay my eyes on. Is
he David O'Leary's twin brother
or what ?"
Keown is very offended and moves to the top deck of the bus.
There he meets Mr. Ljungberg, who enquires as to
why Keown is so down in the mouth. Keown replies that he has been insulted by the
Mr. Ljungberg says "Back
home in Sweden, if that happened, we just bop the offender on the
"Shall I do that then
?" Keown asks .
says Mr. Ljungberg. "and I'll hold your monkey while you do it
whole Arsenal squad are spotted one night in a bar having a drink-up
by a Spurs fan. They finished a round by shouting
"Ten weeks !!" and got another round in.
by what he was seeing, the Spurs fan asks "What is going on
? Are you celebrating that it is only ten weeks to the
this horrendous season for you ?"
no," explains Denis Bergkamp. "We were doing a jigsaw
puzzle and it said 2-4 years on the box, but we did it in 10
Q : What do you call an Arsenal
fan with a bottle of champagne ??
A : Waiter !!
Arsenal have got a new web site ....
It's their trophy cabinet !!
Beckham and Posh are having a few problems with their sex life when
Beckham decides to go to the doctor to seek professional advice.
doesn't seem to enjoy lovemaking anymore doc'' said Beckham!
''OK,'' said the doctor ''Hire a young Stud to stand above you and
Posh, waving a flag above the both of you while you make
''Thanks Doc'' said Becks.
So off went Becks to find a young Stud to
help with his bedroom problems.
That night he and Posh had an early night, jumped into bed and made
love with the Stud waving the flag over them for the
Again Posh didn't enjoy the experience at all, the waving flag clearly
didn't do the trick so it was back to the doctors for
Beckham the next
''Doc, that Stud with the flag business didn't help at all - I still
couldn't satisfy Posh'' ''Right'' said the doctor ''swap with the
young stud, you wave the flag in the air while Posh and the Stud make
love, see if that helps.''
'It's worth a try'' says Beckham!
That night Beckham stood above the bed, waving the flag above his wife
and the stud as they made love - screams of
delight came from Posh!
The screams got louder and louder - the lovemaking went on for hours,
Beckham still above the
bed waving the flag.
lovemaking finally finished Beckham turned to the young stud and said
''see, that's how wave a f***ing flag'.'
(With thanks to
Beckham, Keane and Ferguson are all trapped on the roof of a burning
building. The Fire Brigade duly arrive and hold out
blanket for the guys to jump onto.
They are understandably all a bit nervous but, being a brave lad and
the club captain, Keane goes first. At the last second,
whip the blanket away. Keane splats on the pavement, dead.
giggling, the firemen shout to Ferguson to go next. He jumps, they
move the blanket, he makes a pancake on the
pavement, high fives all
around from the firemen.
Last to go is Beckham. But he's not
having any of it....
" You'll move the blanket" he shouts.
"No we won't" they reply.
"It's no good, I don't trust you. You'll move the blanket
again" shouts Becks.
"Come on, jump you fool" they shout.
"Well, alright" he replies. "But I'm not jumping until
you put the blanket down and move away from it......"
thanks to Reg)
Fabien Barthez is ill, so Alex Ferguson offers to go shopping for him.
While in the local supermarket, he bumps into Glenn Hoddle.
"Hello, Alex, what are you doing here?"
"I'm getting a bag of potatoes for Fabien Barthez."
"Sounds like a fair swap to me!!"
(With thanks to
plane was about to crash and there were five people on board and only
four parachutes. The first person said " I am Allan
Langer, one of the
best footballers in Australia . I am worth a lot of money and my fans
need me so I should be saved."
The others agreed and gave him one
of the parachutes and off he went.
The second person said "I am Peter Costello, and I will be the next
Prime Minister and I can really help my country and I
think I should be
saved." The others said." o.k." and gave him a parachute.
The third person said "I am David Beckham, captain of the English
National Squad. I have a wife and son with another child
way. Everyone knows I am a really nice guy and everyone thinks I am
stupid, but I'm not, so I am taking a parachute"
and off he went.
There were two folk left, the Pope and a 10 year old schoolgirl. The
Pope said, "child I am old and frail and have lived my
you are young with everything before you, you take the parachute and I
will stay with the aircraft and take my
"It's OK," said the girl, "there are still two
parachutes. David Beckham picked up my schoolbag."
David Beckham is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students
if anyone can give him an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy
stands up and offers that if my best friend who lives next door was
playing in the street and a car came
along and killed him that would
be a tragedy.
"No," Beckham says, "that would be an
A girl raises her hand.
"If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff,
killing everyone involved..... that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Beckham.
"That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent, none of the children volunteer.
"What?" asks Beckham, "Isn't there any one here who can
give me an example of a tragedy ?"
Finally a boy in the back
raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says "If an airplane
carrying David Beckham was blown up by
a bomb, that would be a
tragedy." Beckham beams.
"Marvellous! And can you
tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
says the boy "because it wouldn't be an accident and it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss".
(With thanks to
West Ham supporter walks past a shop window and notices a video for
sale entitled "West Ham - The Golden Years"
The supporter asks the shopkeeper "How much for the video mate
shopkeeper replies "£200."
"£200 for a video ?" says the fan, 'You're having a laugh.'
"Oh no" the shopkeeper replies "The video's only a
fiver, but the Betamax player will cost you £195"
Chelsea fan, a Newcastle fan, a Tottenham fan, and an Arsenal fan are
climbing a mountain.
On the way to the top, each is arguing about how loyal they are to
their team and what they would do for that team. As the
gets higher, the wagers increase.
reaching the top, the Chelsea fan shouts, "This is for Chelsea
!!!" and hurls himself off the top of the mountain.
Next the Newcastle fan yells, "I love Newcastle ... This is for
you my Geordie Boys !!" and he, too, jumps off the top.
the Tottenham fan screams, "This is for EVERYONE!!" and
pushes the Arsenal fan off.
It is the year 2018 and Romeo Beckham is
about to sign professional terms with Manchester United. He turns to his
and asks, "What squad number should I ask for dad?"
David thinks for a moment and says.....
..........."Wear four out there
Romeo" ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Ronaldo, Luis Figo and David
Beckham are standing in Heaven before the throne of God.
God looks at them and says, "And so here you stand facing your Lord
and maker. I shall ask each of you a question."
Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "Ronaldo, one of the world's
greatest football players, what is it that you believe brought
Ronaldo looks God in the eye and says passionately, "I believe
football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such
to so many people, from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid.
I have devoted my life to bringing such
joy to people with little else,
who stood on the terraces supporting their team."
God smiles and offers Ronaldo a seat to his left.
He then turns to Luis Figo, "And similarly you, Luis, a hero to so
many, what do you think it was that brought you to my
Figo stands tall and proud and says, "I believe courage, honour and
passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my
career providing a living embodiment of these commitments."
God, moved by the passion of his speech offers Figo a seat to his right.
He then turns to Beckham and says, "And you, David - presumably you
want your ball back?"
the Arsenal strikers are either injured or suspended, so Wenger has no
option but to put his new found Afghanistan striker in the starting line
you believe it but on his debut and at home he scores a hat trick !
Pleased as punch he telephones his mum with the good news !
scored a hat trick ?” his mum says in a rage. “Did you know
that your father has been murdered, our house has been ransacked and
your little sister has been raped, it’s all your fault !”
is it my fault ?”
mum answers “You told us to move to Highbury !”
to Mario Sergides]
David Beckham walks
into a sperm donor bank, "I'd like to donate some sperm" he
says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir," replies the receptionist, "have you
donated before ?"
"Yes," replies Beckham "you should have my details on
"Oh yes, I've found your details," says the receptionist
"but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for
"Why do I need help to donate sperm?" asks Beckham.
The receptionist replies "Well, it says on your record that you're
a useless wanker ..."
to Mario Sergides]
Seaman was off injured at home.
Arsene Wenger went round there and asked him if he could get him
Seaman said "Yeah, I'd like a few bags of potatoes from the local
So off trots Wenger to Sainsbury's, when who should he see in there but
England team manager Sven Goran Eriksson
"Hi Sven," says Wenger.
"Hello," says Sven.
"What are you doing in here Arsene ?"
Wenger says, "I'm getting a bag of potatoes for David Seaman."
"I say," says Sven.
"That's a good deal!"
to Mario Sergides]
asks Esmeralda, "Am I really the ugliest bastard in the world
"Why don't you go upstairs to the Magic Mirror and ask ?" says
upstairs to the mirror and returns a few minutes later.
As he hobbles in Esmeralda
asks "Well, what did the mirror say ?"
To which Quasimodo replies, "Who's Martin Keown ?"
to Mario Sergides]
Why do housewives love Arsenal ?
Because they stay on top for ages and come second ...
A Leeds Fan, a Liverpool fan
and a United fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of
booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The
mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for
the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they
were sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they
were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life
imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday
the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh
decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of
As they were preparing for
their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's
birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish
before your whipping."
The Leeds fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought
about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went
through. The Leeds fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with
pain when the punishment was done.
The Manc was next up and
after watching the scene, said: " Please fix two pillows on my
back, under my dress" But even two pillows and one dress could only
take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Scouser was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but
before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:
"You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has
some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city
and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may
have two wishes!"
"Cheers pal, your Most
Royal and Merciful Highness", The Scouser
"In recognition of your
kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are
also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second
wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.
"Please tie the Manc to my back."