what lies ahead in the rest of 2017-18 ?

04.11.2017

 

It has so far been a summer of big spending, big trips to sell the brand and big mouths predicting who will win the title next season.

Here at MEHSTG, we like to look forward to how all the teams in the Premier League will do this season, so here is our preview of the remainder of the 2017-18 campaign.

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AFC BOURNEMOUTH

A neat marketing trick back-fired on Bournemouth, who played a youngster who had come up through their ranks and finally made the first team, but 18 year old striker Dean Court made his debut in the Vitality Stadium.  There is a hope that 15 year old female defender Vi Tality will get to the Bournemouth Ladies first team before the stadium is re-branded.

Transfer speculation over striker Josh King became a moot point when he ascended to the throne of his native country, through a loophole in the royal lineage, to become King Josh I of Norway.

The Chelsea youth team decided to up and leave Stamford Bridge as there was no future for them and renamed themselves AFC Bournemouth.

 

ARSENAL

Jack Wilshire's transfer to West Ham United London fell through at the last minute, when he broke his hand signing the contract and Davids Sullivan and Gold brought in barristers to fight the claim by the Highbury club that the deal was binding.  Unlike the binding the midfielder had to have on his hand after the incident.

Following the nicknaming of Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain as the Ox, there have been a few more players gaining nicknames.  Mezut Ozil has been called Master Po (after the character in the 1970s series 'Kung Fu' ... there's one for the teenagers); David Ospina is The Wasp as he flies around with no apparent purpose; Aaron Ramsey is The Ram, from his haphazard tackling technique that ends up with him getting injured; Jack Wilshire is the English Patient, so named by the French members of the squad for the obvious reason and Gabriel, The Donkey and not because he looks like the one in 'Shrek'.

Arsenal fans attending the club's AGM were offended by the comments made by Sir Chips Keswick and Chief Executive Ivan Gazidis lived up to their nickname of the Gooners (dictionary definition = "A silly, foolish, or eccentric person"), by acting all surprised at the goings on of their owners.
 

BRIGHTON & HOVE ALBION

Chaos reigned as newly promoted Brighton ruled that away fans had to use American Express to buy tickets to see their clubs play at their Amex Stadium.

The club's fans took the nickname too literally when they travelled around the country in their first Premier League campaign when they released flocks of seagulls before kick off at away grounds, causing pies and chips to be stolen out of the hands of hungry supporters.

Chris Hughton's plans for the summer transfer window were thwarted when the club tried to sign 1FC Koln goalkeeper Timo Horn and their Amex card was rejected by the Bundesliga club's bank.

 

BURNLEY

Sean Dyche revealed that his club is literally run on a shoestring, with players achieving a better sense of balance by training by running in straight lines along shoestrings laid out on the practice ground.

Controversy raged at the end of the transfer window when Burnley tried to buy a stake in the club's new ground and engineer a transfer of the Robins' centre half Adam Flint to Turf Moor as part of the deal.  The nation were taken aback by this move by the Clarets, in what became known as "AshtonGate".

Burnley fans took their nickname far too seriously and committed a range of grass related offences and appeared in court, where they were convicted and branded as "Turfites",
 

CHELSEA

Chelsea used their massive, Roman Abramovich funded purchasing power to buy some time in a game which was drawn going into the last few moments.

The Pensioners received a fine of GBP400,000 for tapping up Crystal Palace's drummer.  A ban on approaching other club's atmosphere makers was imposed by the FA.

When the club entered their Under-21 side into the CheckaTrade Trophy, they failed to realise that come the start of the competition they would not have enough Under-21s to field a side, as they were all out on loan.  Chelsea then brought in lots of under-21 players on loan and went on to win the competition, where Aston Villa legend John Terry made a surprise appearance to feature in the photo of the winning team.

Antonio Conte was shockingly revealed as the love child of Willie Carson and Frankie Dettori.
 

CRYSTAL PALACE

The Eagles made a swoop for a young footballer, but not in the way their fans had hoped.  A 12 year old club mascot ended up unharmed.  He was kicking about with Christian Benteke and the club eagle broke free, swooped down, took him into the bird's eerie and then, finding the fact that anyone would want to be a Crystal Palace mascot hard to swallow, deposited him back down on the pitch.  Specialist marksmen shot the bird dead in front of a crowd of over 300 at Selhurst Park.

Frank de Boer was advised to take the Crystal Palace manager's job by a Chinese palm reader, who said he would be successful in the Year of the Pig (Boar).  Unfortunately, this will be 2019 and it is highly unlikely that he will still be in the Eagles' hot seat by then.

The club's supporters had to revert to a previous nickname of the club, when several were served with Community Service sentences to repair some broken windows after "The Glaziers'" visit to Stoke City.
 

EVERTON

New manager Ronald Koeman has had trouble remembering the names of all the new players he has signed this summer, so is coaching by numbers.

Manager Ronald Koeman was accused of favouritism when he made Seamus Coleman club captain and allowed him to sit next to him on the team bus, as he thought that Coleman was a literal translation of Koeman from Irish to Dutch.

Following the lead of new League club Forest Green in being vegan and eco, Everton were bombarded by their supporters with requests to change their nickname to "The Tofus".
 

HUDDERSFIELD TOWN

The newly promoted club's most important spending this summer was on a new SatNav to find all the club grounds this season, after reaching the Premier League for the first time.

The club's fans took the nickname too literally and caused mayhem as they travelled the country in their first Premier League campaign, releasing packs of Terriers, when Huddersfield Town fans attended away games, thus leading to games being delayed while players haplessly chased after the stray dogs on the pitch.

Manager of Huddersfield, David Wagner took the new shirt sleeve sponsorship to extremes, when he sold off the naming rights to his stylish spectacles to SpecSavers.
 

LEICESTER CITY

One time nations' favourites - Leicester City - failed to grab the backing of the country's "neutral" fans (whatever that means), when they brought out a range of jewellery items in their club shop, priced way beyond the reach of most fans.  These featured the "Crystal Mahrez", the "Yes Ndidi Ruby", the "Albrighton Beautiful Crystal, the "Amartey Amehtyst" and the "King Power Crystal".

Their public image was not helped later in the season, when Austrian defender Christian Fuchs grew disillusioned with the club and left to play his football in Germany, resulting in the club issuing the headline "Fuchs Off" on their club website.

An attempt to tempt former Spurs and Norwich City winger Ruel Fox out of retirement to be the club Fitness coach failed, as he was too busy operating his own fitness company called "Fox On The Run".

A few of the female Leicester City supporters saw them live up to their name when they decided to stage a beauty contest at half-time in the game against West Bromwich Albion.  Unfortunately, the "Miss Foxy Lady" event backfired on them, when feminist slam poets ran them out of the Walkers Stadium.
 

LIVERPOOL

Once proud Liverpool had found themselves having fallen on hard times.  Not only have they had to sell their best players, but they are also starting a new line of confectionery in their club shop called "Liverpool Toffees".  Rumours of a merger with fellow city club Everton were denied.

Daniel Sturridge's injury misery continued, when he suffered a dislocated shoulder in doing his pathetic goal celebration in a game against Bournemouth.  To add an insult to injury, the goal was ruled *!$%(*^@ offside.

Jurgen Klopp was sponsored by Specsavers, after he raged against the failure of goal-line technology to award Liverpool a goal despite it clearly not crossing the line and using the argument that it never stopped the Reds being given a goal when Luis Garcia scored against Chelsea in the 2005 Champions League.

With the embarrassing lack of success from the penalty spot a number of the players who missed lived up to the club's nickname in the face department.
 

MANCHESTER CITY

With over 123.5 million of your English pounds spent on their defence during the summer, Manchester City fans thought that the money stacked up in front of the goal might have been a better way of protecting their goal after a 5-0 walloping by Huddersfield Town.

Pep Guardiola showed a complete misunderstanding of the English game when he firstly admitted he doesn't teach his player how to tackle and then wanted referees to explain their decisions to him.  He shocked the football world by demanding to know who writes Gary Linker's punch-lines on "Match of the Day".

Pep Guardiola introduced Japanese thinking into the club to reduce stress on his players, with Feng Shui, Tai Chi and City Zen.

 

MANCHESTER UNITED

In their never ending search for world dominance, Manchester United were really pushing the brand on their US summer tour.  One of their biggest outlays this summer wasn't on a new player, but a herd of 800 beef cattle, who they branded with the Manchester United logo.  While some fans result in more silverside than silverware coming to the club, others thought they would like like chumps in the fans of other club's supporters.

Jose Mourinho exploded when a Zlatan Ibrahimovic penalty had to be retaken because of the stuttering run-up the Swede took.  Unfortunately, a piece of the United manager hit the ball and moved it, just as Zlatan was taking the kick for the second time and he sliced it wide.

To get the club back to where their fans believe they belong, they took to practising Satanism and beseeching Beelzebub for his help in reinstating them as a top team, thus living up to the club's nickname of the "Red Devils".

 

NEWCASTLE UNITED

Newcastle attempts to recruit players for their Premier League campaign took a desperate turn when they offered a contract to former Arsenal and Chelsea defender Ashley Cole, who it transpired had put on a lot of weight while playing over in the US of A.  The fans were not happy and what turned out to propagate a campaign to stop him joining the club, "AshTongate" was successful and he moved on to Bristol City instead.


Groundsmen at Newcastle were fined for an intricate pitch design, but the FA had to back down when they realised it was the shadow of the ridiculous main stand roof across the turf.

In an attempt to prevent their fans suffering with cardiac arrhytmia, owing to the nature of the team's defensive performances, the club started selling food at half-time to ensure the heart rate remained steady and used Magnesium to correct the irregular beating.  They referred to their nickname when naming the pies, selling them as "Mag Pies".
 

SOUTHAMPTON

Southampton have already lined up their new manager for the 2018-19 season.

St. Mary's became a haven for religious zealots after they claimed to have seen a miracle there when they saw Southampton score more than once at home.

The club used their nickname to twin with Northampton Rugby Union club in a strange partnership designed to share tactics and motivational techniques. 

 

STOKE CITY

The Potters decided that they were due some good luck in their games this season, so buried a horseshoe in an opposing goalkeeper's head.

With their fans concerned about their early season form when the fans thought they were crap, they turned to their nickname to make some chamber pots that ensured that nothing leaked through their sanitary defence.

With more Champions League winners in their side than any other Premier League side, Stoke City sought a change in the laws at FIFA to allow qualification not on finishing position in the league or winning trophies, but by who could assemble the side with most winners medals of the competition.

 

SWANSEA CITY

The Swans belied their nickname, with their players running around furiously, while they were far too calm under the surface.

The Icelandic Saga of Everton trying to sign Gylfi Sigurdsson lurched on before he signed for GBP45 million.  This was a record for the Welsh club and they invested their windfall not in new players, but in love spoons and Welsh Cakes to sell in the club shop.

With loan players brought in from Paul Clements' previous teams, the Swans made a loan move for manager Carlo Ancelotti when he left his post as Bayern Munich manager, where Clement had been his assistant.

TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR

Premier League officials were left red-faced, when they reported that Tottenham Hotspur had fielded the youngest ever side to take the field in the competition, with an average age of 14 years and 201 days.  However, they realised their mistake when the Spurs players came out three minutes later, having allowed the mascots to have some time in the spotlight themselves.

Tottenham's fans lived up to their nickname, when after the last game at their temporary home - Wembley - they tidied up and left the stadium Lilywhite and clean.

Spurs fans were pleased to hear the club called "The Harry Kane team" by Pep Guardiola, as they always wanted a team of Harry Kanes.
 

WATFORD

Local government Community Enforcement officers were called in to clear the area around Vicarage Road of prostitutes and lived up to the club's nickname by using "Whore Nets" to trap and remove them from the streets.

With the fickle owner of the club changing team manager every year, they were left in an embarrassed position, at the end of the 2017-18 season, they discovered that there was nobody left to choose from, having worked their way through the complete directory of available managers world-wide.

Watford fans were a little worried that their recent colourful history would be heightened further by the signing of Andre "50 Shades of" Gray.  

 

WEST BROMWICH ALBION

Trying to make the most of the winter transfer window, Tony Pulis sent scouts to La Paz in Bolivia to recruit players on the basis that their players would be better suited to playing at altitude, with the Hawthorns being the highest ground in England.

Tony Pulis hit back at his critics who decry his defensive approach by playing a 1-1-8 formation against newly-promoted Brighton & Hove Albion, with the Baggies winning the "Battle of the Albions" 1-0.  At the end of the game, the team were booed off because of the slim margin of victory.

The West Bromwich Albion fans took their clubs nickname to extremes when attending away games in these times of terrorist threats and few got in to see their 1-0 win at the Olympic Stadium over West Ham United London, because "the baggies" they were taking to matches lead to huge delays when searched by security staff.
 

WEST HAM UNITED

New "bad boy" signing Marko Arnautovic caused controversy on the Hammers' tour of his home country Austria and Germany, but getting "I'm An Iron" tattooed on the shaven part of his bonce.  It looked as though he would be for the high jump when he got back to the Olympic Stadium, but that was only because they hadn't reconfigured the stadium to use for football.

Dean, the former Irons' and Norwich striker turned pundit was sanctioned by the FA for comments he made about West Ham United London being the best team in the country as he was bringing football into disrepute.  In a saga that became known as "Ashtongate", there was an embarrassing silence from Bristol City.

West Ham United London players lived up to their club nickname as they regularly got hammered.
 

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