“Bonjour, Monsieur Optician. I am ‘ere for ma eye test,” announced Wenger.

“And not before time may I say. How have your glasses been ??”

“Well, I zink zey are not correct, because I am zeeing everyzink different to uzzer people” moaned the Frenchman.

“Just take a seat here M. Wenger and we will start with a colour-blindness test. This is to see if you are red/green colour blind. Can you look at the picture and tell me what you see ?”

Wenger concentrated hard. “I can zee ze grin zing, but there is no red zing zere at all. I cannot zee anyzink in red, zo it cannot ‘ave ‘appened. I kno’ zis is zomethink my players do not ‘ave ze problem wis, because zey are always to be seeing red.”

“OK. Now we’ll do the sight chart. Can you please read the top line of letters.”

“Oui. Eet is B...J...C...T.” Wenger said.

“That is very good. Now the next line please.”

“A...V. Aah, I cannot read anymore.”

“Why not M. Wenger ?” the optician queried.

“Well, I could not zee properly from where I wez sitting. And anyway, one of your assistants provoked me by saying I smell of talcum powder,” whinged the Red leader.

“Try the next line then.”

“No. I cannot read any of zem either,” pronounced the erudite Gaul.

“What now ?” demanded the eye doctor getting exasperated.

“Well, I was watching ze ball and I did not zee anuzzer line.”

“Please try and attempt the bottom line, if it is not too much trouble.”

“No, I am zorry, but zere were too many bodies in ze way for me to zee it clearly. I will ‘ave to wait for ze video of ze incident before deciding what was on zat line,” stated the Arsenal boss.

“Well, what about if I put the sight test chart over on the wall on the other side of the room ?” the optician offered.

“Ah, bon. The third line is N...O...H...E...A...D...B...U...T...T. Zat is easy. I can zee zat zo clearly,” Wenger proudly announced. “And from ‘ere I can recognise ze bottom line is ze small print on ze contract from Real Madrid !! Doh !!”