the season ahead 2014-15

02.09.2014

three games gone, just 35 more to go (or 36 if Richard Scudamore has his way) and the
funky phantom looks forward to the headlines you might see in the eight months ahead of the 2014-15 season.
None of the following facts are true or resemble true life and if they happen to turn out to be true, mehstg refutes all responsibility for them happening.

 

  • Louis van Gaal has had such a bad start at Manchester United that the David Moyes "Chosen One" banner is re-installed at the Stretford End.
     
  • Leicester City have made a move to sign up the star of the Rocky and Rambo films as one of their fans.  They hope to make him an ambassador for the club and give Stallone the title of "Sly Fox" to promote the club in America.
     
  • QPR midfielder Jermaine Jenas will miss three months at the start of the season after his ice bucket challenge left him with double pneumonia.
     
  • During Chelsea match, referee Lee Probert was confronted by Jose Mourinho and John Terry challenging a decision.  With the Respect campaign obviously being disrespected, the official pulled out his vanishing foam spray and used it like Mace to repel the Blues manager and captain.
     
  • Liverpool announced that Anfield was sold out for the rest of the season, with the majority of the seats at the ground taken by their squad which included 1,204 new signings.
     
  • Aston Villa's failure to sign anyone in the summer transfer was a real surprise ... to nobody.
     
  • Jack Wilshire was booked for sneaking off the pitch to have a smoke behind the goal.
     
  • Manuel Pelligrini tags Manchester United the "nosey neighbours" after Louis van Gaal employed drones to fly over the City training ground to see how they manage to win games.  It later turned out that they were not drones, but that was merely the noise coming from the Stretford End when United played as the fans were sent to sleep.
     
  • Everton were upset when Burnley's match programme listed only their numbers and not their players names.  This was hardly surprising, as few of their squad can be named by more than a handful of people.
     
  • The summer transfer window ended in farce at Loftus Road, when the QPR revolving door got stuck.
     
  • Sam Allardyce kept his job at West Ham United until the end of the season by producing more entertainment.  He was regularly to be found turning somersaults and shaking his belly for the co-owners in the executive suites to hordes of visiting corporate visitors.
     
  • Manchester City are found to have fallen foul of the financial fair play rules and they were not playing on a level playing field compared to all the other teams in the Premier League.  It was discovered that there was a large hump in the turf in front of the Colin Bell stand and when investigated, there was a stash of used fivers buried there so that FIFA didn't find them.
     
  • Aston Villa drew fifteen of their first seventeen games, with one victory and one loss, ensuring that there was an equal split of fans for and against the manager Paul Lambert.  However, with Roy Keane also in the dug-out, Lambert was protected from any crowd abuse.
     
  • Maverick Hull City owner Aseem Allam has been censored by the FA Premier League for leading a live Tiger around the running track at the KC Stadium to try and scare the City fans into accepting a change to his preferred name for the club.
     
  • West Bromwich Albion enraged their fans with their new pinstripe first team shirts, but the supporters could not stomach the bowler hats they had to wear as part of their get up this season !!
     
  • Leroy Fer obviously has a taste for Championship football, having signed for QPR from newly relegated Norwich City.
     
  • QPR were lauded for producing plans for a new academy and a 40,000 first team ground in the Old Oak area not far from their current home, but they had forgotten that there were more risk of woodworm than at Wormwood Scrubs just down the road.
     
  • Spurs launched a flexible, poseable action figure based on their new Welsh left back, with the product named the "Ben D toy".
     
  • Stoke City are taking their team to a whole new level by buying even taller players in the January transfer window.
     
  • The squad at Swansea City decided to take inspiration from the Scottish Independence campaign and all speak the national language instead of English.  This was a little complicated, as some of the squad couldn't speak English in the first place.
     
  • Midfielder Yaya Toure wants to leave Manchester City after he felt that the club were disrespecting him by losing to Stoke City.
     
  • Southampton looked to maintain some stability in their squad during the winter transfer window after a hectic summer, with a mere 14 players coming and going before the end of January.
     
  • Burnley mascot Bertie Bee was involved in some controversy at the game against Arsenal, when the Gooners thought he was taking the mickey out of their 1970s manager Bertie Mee.  Things got further complicated, as Ben Mee was confused by the Arsenal fans anger.  "You should try being B. Mee," the Burnley defender and mascot said to each other.
     
  • Newcastle United introduced a transfer policy simply to annoy Sunderland.
     
  • Leicester City offered a place in an executive suite for one lucky sponsor of a game, with their "Fox In The Box" coimpetition.
     
  • Chelsea remain top of the league at Christmas with 100 goals scored and 97 conceded.  Manchester United are mid-table with 100 goals conceded and 97 scored.  Aston villa are in 10th place with 19 points from 19 games and a goal difference of 0.
     
  • Sunderland sign the entirety of the Uruguayan league, leaving the South American's FA administrators launching a legal bid to make the Black Cats play in their country.
     
  • The January transfer window ended in farce at Loftus Road, when the window on Harry Redknapp's car went wrong and his head got stuck in it as it closed on him while he was giving an interview to a Sky Sports reporter.
     
  • Leicester City invite1980s band Sly Fox to re-form to play a special gig at the King Power Stadium to promote the club brand in Thailand, where their "Let's Go All The Way" hit was banned, making them hot property around Phuket and Bangkok.
     
  • Arsenal's Jack Wilshire was prosecuted by Islington Council for smoking in the toilets at Highbury at half-time.
     
  • Midfielder Yaya Toure wants to leave Manchester City after he felt that the club were disrespecting him by making him park too far away from the dressing room at the club's training ground.
     
  • Crystal Palace unveiled their fourteenth manager of the season for their Boxing Day clash with Southampton.
     
  • Tottenham put on a testimonial for Michael Dawson who left in the summer and couple it with one for Jon Obika, who also departed during the same window after serving the club for many years.  The match featured a Michael Dawson XI v a Jon Obika Loan XI featuring one player from each loan spell away from the club plus himself.
     
  • QPR midfielder Joseph Barton was unmasked when his Twitter account was hacked and the true identity of the writer revealed as a 17 year old Philosophy student preparing for his A level.
     
  • Hull City were said to be considering a bid for Daniel Levy and the Spurs board in the January transfer window.
     
  • Nike were working with Stoke City to produce a ball which performed well at high altitudes.
     
  • West Ham United were bombed out of a futsal tournament after complaining that the ball was too heavy and how could they be expected to play their usual route one football ?
     
  • The FA surprisingly decide to re-interpret the handball law when it happens in the penalty area, giving the benefit of the doubt to defenders (except John Terry).  Well hands up who saw that coming ?  But not in the penalty area of course.
     
  • 14th February 2015 was a red letter day in the calendar, as for the first time ever media and newspapers did not carry a sound bite from Harry Redknapp.
     
  • Everton are victim of their own success with fans from all over the world claiming that they travelled to their first Toffees game when their match was called off.  Following last year's example when a fan travelled form the Far East and was given a great reception, this season 783 'fans' have claimed sporting asylum at Goodison Park, with some of them sleeping on the terraces ... during games.
     
  • The Yes vote for Scottish Independence finally ruled out any chance of Celtic and Rangers playing in the English leagues, but also saw the FA and Premier League stop the flow of players from England to Scotland in retaliation to the decision.  The flow South of the border would also have been blocked, but there are very few decent Scottish footballers these days.
     
  • West Ham United's new offensive style was taken more than literally, when Sam Allardyce called the referee a "stupid git" in one game.
     
  • Arsenal's Jack Wilshire was dropped from the England squad for smoking at the back of the team coach.
     
  • Chelsea have shelled out 46 million on former central defender Micky Droy, who Roman Abramovich had heard a lot about and thought could do a job for the team like Didier Drogba.
     
  • Face-painted England fans were left red and white faced after England lost their Euro 2016 qualifier to San Marino.
     
  • Midfielder Yaya Toure wants to leave Manchester City after he felt that the club were disrespecting him by only giving him the same amount of food as everyone else in the club canteen.
     
  • The Scottish Independence vote also lead to a row over the ownership of Hadrian's Wall, with the Scots laying claim to it, as the best defensive wall in their country there had ever been.
     
  • London fans were shocked by the naming rights fiasco that saw Leicester City's ground named the 'King Power Stadium.
     
  • The FA decide to penalise players for goalpost or advertising hoarding abuse when they miss a goal and take it out on the inanimate objects.
     
  • The most used phrase on live televised coverage this season was announced as, "And Wilshire is down injured."
     
  • To make his club more marketable in the French market, where Mike Ashley buys most of his players from, he has changed the name of the team to Nouveau Chateau.
     
  • Steven Gerrard, the veteran Liverpool captain, missed the last two months of the season after he collapsed running up to take the Reds' forty-third penalty of the season.  Raheem Sterling, Mario Balotelli and Daniel Sturridge have all been treated for arthritis after spending much of the season rolling around on wet turf.
     
  • Defensive walls were creeping forward again after the great spray foam shortage of March 2015.
     
  • West Ham United faced a law suit from a fourth official who was attending to a stray ball when the Irons inadvertently scored, causing the bubble machine to go off and this temporarily blinded him and caused him to miss Carlton Cole being caught mooning at Sam Allardyce after he netted his first goal since David Attenborough was a boy.

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