ARSENAL FOOTBALL CLUB
PLAYER'S CONTRACT

As part of the contract for your career as an Arsenal player you must abide by the following conditions to this contract will be declared null and void and you may be sued for breach of contract.

1.   You will be French.  There is no leeway in this clause and should you not be French or from a French colony, you will have to find a grandparent or relative which will allow you to take out French Citizenship.  Alternatively, you must appear in promotional photographs wearing a stripy jumper, with a string of onions around your neck, while burning some British lamb.

2.    You will be between the age of 16 and 23.  Anyone older than this will have to get a forged passport to fit within this age span.  The club will take no responsibility for those who cannot gain entry into France … er, sorry … England and all transfer monies paid must be returned in full.  This should not be a problem for African players as Carlton Palmer says they all lie about their ages.

3.   During your stay at the club, it is almost mandatory that you commit some illegal act of the field to fit in with your team-mates.  This can range from driving offences (for the less adventurous) to the smuggling of pornography and cigarettes or GBH for those who are of a "temperamental" nature.

4.   When it is known that you are becoming a big world star, it will be necessary to manufacture a story about your unhappiness at the club to make sure Arsenal can off-load you for a handsome profit.  There is strictly no room for players who are considered to be any good at this club and therefore, the Directors are happy for you to ply your trade elsewhere as long as the money flows into the Marble Halls.

5.   All incoming players will undergo a psychometric test to ascertain whether you are the right player for Arsenal to sign.  Anyone who is found to be maladjusted, have no anger management and to be a right snide little git will be snapped up straight away.

6.   You will be expected to uphold the club's fine tradition of unsporting play on the pitch and anyone failing to get at least three red and eight yellow cards a season will be on their way out of the club pronto.

7.    You will be expected to speak out vehemently about the number of games played in England, the treatment you get from referees and the weather at every opportunity in the national press.  For those not acquainted with Blackburn, you should expound the horror you suffered on discovering the town for the first time.

8.    For every game you play in an Arsenal shirt you will be expected to make at least two offensive gestures, three late challenges and show your studs at every possible opportunity.  Performance related bonuses are available for meeting these criteria.

9.    There is a packet of sweets in it for you if you sign for us.