the holy book of spurs


Back in the day, when Spurs ruled the Earth and Heavens, the word was passed down from father to son and lo, lo prices ... it soon passed into history and was written in the good book.  The Book of Spurs.  

The Book of Spurs Chapter 1 ...

1 And the tribe of Israel, that is known as Spurs, came unto the land of the Seven Sisters, and in the Lane of the White Hart they pledged themselves to thedevotion of all that is skilful and audacious.
2 And in the decades that followed, the tribe of Spurs waxed strong. And the crowds sang "Glory Glory" whenever they passed. And it was said by all that "They are truly the Kings of North London".
3 An lo, there came a prophet of great repute whose name was William, son of Nic-Ol. And said unto the Israel-ites "I shall give thee the double". And with the heroes Mac-Kay and Blanch-Flower the prophet strove mightily and succeeded.  And there was much rejoicing.
4 But in their pride and unbeknownst to the tribe of Spurs, they were beset on all sides by men of malice. And after achieving the Champion's Grail they were not to see it again, yea unto the second generation, for two score years or more.
5 For there was to come unto the land of Seven Sisters men of great wealth and influence. And they set to despoil the tribe of Spurs of its riches. Even the prophet Ven-Ners, who was fair of speech and who promised the Grail of F.A. fell from grace, for his love of money overcame his love of the game. 
6 And the Spurs faithful did wail that their idols had feet of clay. And they perceived they had an enemy in their new master, Su-Gar of the land of Am-Strad, who kept Spurs' wealth to himself, even though he denied it before a court of law.
7 And so Spurs were cast into the wilderness. And there they did strive and fail, year on year. Even heroes such as Ar-Diles of the land of Ar-Gen-Tine, who would hazard all, could not deliver. And there was a wailing and a gnashing of teeth. And the sound of "Glory Glory" waned in the land of Seven Sisters. And all who looked on did say that the mantle of Kings of North London had passed to their bitter enemies, the Arsenal-ites.
8 For the Arsenal-ites waxed strong as the tribe of Israel did decline. And they stole the Grail of Champions, that was rightfully Spurs. And they walked the lands of Ur-Ope, from which the Israelites had been exiled. They laughed at their good fortune, despite their play being dull and boring. And they sneered at the Spurs' faith in skill and audacity, for they would not recognize flair play lest it falleth on their heads from the sky.
9 But the Arsenal-ites would yet be brought to trial. For unto Spurs a child was born , who was anointed Hod in the years of Glory Glory and the Double. And he grew into a strong young man, fair of face. A great champion of the Israelites who loved his tribe so, and they loved him.
10 But Hod saith one day "I must leave this fair land of Seven Sisters and the Lane of the White Hart. For my heart is set to travel and become wise in the ways of Football." So saying, Hod left the tribe of Spurs to much lamentation.  For people did not heed the prophecies that this Son of Spurs would one day return in Glory Glory and lead them to the promised land. 

Here endeth the first lesson.


The Book of Spurs Chapter 2

11 And Hod did travel far and wide. He came unto the fair land of Monaco where champagne flowed like wine, and there learned leadership from Arsene the Arsenal-ite. Then he went to the land of Swin-Don and there raised the dead. 
12 From there he passeth to the Bridge of Stam-Ford, where he again raised the dead. And the people praised him as a mighty champion. 
13 For then the Lords of the F.A. didst place upon Hod the mantle and leadership  of the horde of Eng-Er-Land. And there he did strive mightily and fail. For he was beset on the right hand and the left by the men of Med-ia and those who did the bidding of the dark Lord Mur-Doch.
14 In a moment of weakness, Hod gave into temptation and sayeth: "Blessed are those who are not raspberry, for they shall inherit the kingdom of heaven. But cursed are those who are raspberry. For they have sinned in a previous life".  And at this wisdom the Lords of F.A. were wroth, and cast Hod down. For they were moved by the serpent-tongued minions of Mur-Doch, who were secret allies of  the Arsenal-ites.
15 And so Hod passed down into the darkness, to the bottom of the Premiership.  And there was beseeched by Saints to help them. So once more Hod raised the dead.
16 But in the land of the Seven Sisters, a blight had struck. For Su-Gar of Am-Strad had bribed the former leader of the Arsenal-ites, the Anti-Hod, to come to the Lane of the White Hart. Su-Gar welcomed the Anti-Hod, and saith he: "Make Spurs mighty again. As mighty as the days of Glory Glory. For the Spurs
faithful test me sorely and I fear they may rebel".
17 So the Anti-Hod ruled the tribe of Israel with a tight fist. He cared not for Glory Glory, preferring the long ball. He delighted not in fair play and scorned flair. And so he hated the heroes of Spurs, including Solomon, son of Camp-Bell and the fleet-footed Gin-Ola. And he schemed to remove them and replace them with cloggers, like unto those of Wim-Bel-Don.
18 And the tribe of Israel saw this and were wroth. And they said: "He does not respect our tradition. He prefers the donkey Ad-Ams to the eagle Gin-Ola and does not attack."
19 But the Anti-Hod only scorned them and ignored their words. For he was growing rich off the tribe of Israel, even as he squandered their wealth on cloggers. And he was protected by the men of Mur-Doch, who had poisoned pens and sneered at the Israelites, and called them fickle.
21 And people began to shout "Boring Boring" as Spurs passed. And they appeared more and more like unto the tribe of Arsenal-ites as they were in the days of old.
20 And the Spurs faithful wailed and gnashed their teeth and gave great lamentation. "Who will be our saviour from this great oppression," they cried.  "Who will lead us to the promised land and restore the crown of Glory Glory that is rightfully ours".
21 And Lo, from the West came the men of En-ic. They were true Israelites, for their foreskins had been removed. And Daniel, son of Levi, said: "Too long have the tribe of Israel, that is Spurs, been lost in the wilderness. For they were once great, but have been led astray by Su-Gar".
22 And the men of En-ic assembled an impressive portfolio against Su-Gar. And Su-Gar was afraid of their acumen and took their offer to leave, carrying much of the riches he had plundered.
23 And so the men of En-ic raised high the Lillywhite banner of the tribe of Spurs, and declared a new era had come. But the Anti-Hod liked not their coming and feared for himself. And he schemed to pass the blame for failure onto them. 
24 But David, son of Buch-Ler was wise to the serpent ways of the Anti-Hod. And catching him in treacherous league with the men of Mur-Doch cried: "Begone. Go on thy belly, foul one. Thou hast broken thy contract." 
25 And the Spurs faithful rejoiced. And there were tears and laughter again to be heard at the Lane of the White Hart. And then they remembered the prophecy and said: "When will the Son of Spurs return to lead us? For it was said that he would raise the dead."
26 But the men of En-ic were one step ahead. For they were talking to Hod and said to him: "Come, be the anointed one and take your place at the right hand of David."
27 And Hod agreed, and with the prophet Gor-Man, went forth unto the land of Seven Sisters, whence he had come. 
28 And Hod held up his hands to the faithful and said: "Rejoice friends, for your days of darkness have passed. I have come to save all true worshippers of flair. I have come to spread the gospel of passing and forever banish the long ball."
29 At these words the Spurs faithful beseeched Hod to raise the dead. But he silenced them and said: "Spurs is not dead. It has merely been sleeping, like unto the parrot with the beautiful plumage. Fear not, for I shall cast the cloggers from the temple, and spend our riches wisely.
30 Our struggle will be long and there are many trials to come. But I promise you we shall once again touch the grail of Champions and walk upon the fields of  Ur-Ope."
29 And the people rejoiced, for their saviour had come home.

Here endeth the second lesson.

The Book of Spurs, Chapter 3

The Sermon on the Paxton
1 And with his 11 disciples, Hod went up unto the North side of the stadium, beneath the Jumbotron where miraculous visions of triumph had appeared unto the faithful. And a multitude gathered around them, saying "blessed be our Lord Hod,  who returneth to us to show us the way of silky skills".
2 And the disciples saith unto Hod, "shall we tell the multitude to disperse? For they bother us for autographs and we have not enough pies to feed them all." 
3 And Hod smiled and saith, "leave them alone, for pies alone shall not feed this multitude. Yea, not Pukka Pies nor Ginsters. For these faithful have gathered to feast on footie. For they have been starved of silky skills for unto a half-generation, yea unto the days of the prophet Ven-ners, who was caught with his fingers in the till. 
4 "But I am the Son of Spurs, anointed Hod, who hath returned in Glory Glory to teach thee the ways of flair football."
5 And the disciples wondered and cried aloud, "Thou canst be serious! Hast thou been talking to Eileen again? For we knoweth not this way of which you speak." 
6 And the disciple Kor-Sten stepped forward and said "We understand not your words, Lord Hod. For we have been taught by the Pharisee Graham that the long ball is more blessed than the short, and no more than one man is needed up front."
7 But at these words the multitude began to shout "we want our Tottenham back" and the disciples were afraid.
8 So Hod stood up and silenced the crowd, and said unto them: "Peace unto thee, O faithful. Have I not brought back unto the land of Seven Sisters the prodigal son, She-Ring-Ham, who once was lost but now is found? Have I not delivered unto thee Gor-Ran, the captain of the Red Star tribe whom the prophets likened unto Beck-En-Bauer, the King of Ur-Ope?
9 But the multitude were not mollified and began to cry loudly: "but you have given us old men! Ours is now an army of the ancients of old, not of youth! Was this not the lack of ambition of which Sulzeer the Betrayer warned?"
10 At this Hod shouted, "Mention not Judas!" And the multitude shrank back in fear, for Hods face was full of wrath. 
11 Hod raised his arms and saith, "Judas betrayed us to the Arsenal-ites for more than 50,000 pieces of silver. But this is a sacred house of football, not of moneylenders. I shall cast the cloggers from the temple. We shall worship flair and by our silky skills shall we prove ourselves. Even though we walk through the valley of the shadow of the Gunners, we shall fear no one."
12 And at this the crowd sang Glory Glory and Hod began to preach.
13 "Bless-ed are they that distribute the ball from the back, for they have truly found the path of Hod.
14 "Bless-ed are they that find space, for they shall receive the gift of a short flick upfield.
15 "Bless-ed be the passmakers, for they shall inherit the midfield.
16 "Bless-ed are they that service the forwards, for they shall crucify the keeper upon their crosses.
17 "And bless-ed are the forwards, for they shall achieve the goal of heaven."
18 At these words the disciples were amazed, for they had never heard such wisdom from the Pharisee Graham. And they cried "truly you are the Son of Spurs, for you have shown us the way, the truth and the game as it should be played".
19 And the disciple Poy-Et, who had travelled far from the Bridge of Stam-Ford, spoke with many tongues, worshipping the way of flair, and praising Hod for all that he had done.
20 And the multitude wept with joy, for they were filled with the spirit of Hod.

Here endeth the lesson.

Thanks to Naughty Nev

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