Christmas comes early for Manchester City, as their players cannot believe how much they are being paid.

Avram Grant is the first Premier League manager to be sacked at half-time in their opening game against Aston Villa.  The Sullivan/Gold partnership thought that he was disrespectful when he criticised them for turning out in their claret and blue smoking jackets for an away game.

A great start for Manchester City, who manage to get all their players onto one coach to go to the game at White Hart Lane.  There were fears that the car park at the Spurs ground might have been filled up with stretch Hummers to ferry the Citizens stars to the match.

However, Roberto Mancini gets in trouble with the Premier League on the first day when he misinterprets the new rules and tries to field 25 players in his first team to start the game against Spurs.

Fat Jack Wilshere is a starter in Arsenal's first game of the season, but only last a few minutes of the match, as he had to go off to get something to eat.

Sir Alex Ferguson conducts his first interview for BBC TV for four years and says a total or four words, only two of which were intelligible.

Aston Villa appoint their new manager ... Sylvester Stallone.  Owner Randy Learner says, "Sly has a great passion for training by running up town hall steps and knows a lot about your soccer from his role in 'Escape to Victoria.'"  Although Stallone was at the press conference he was unintelligible for comment.

Arsene Wenger pours cold water on Tottenham's qualification for the group stages of the Champions League.  The Arsenal manager says, "There is no pride in their progress.  It is easy to beat Young Boys."

On the 28th of August, Bloomfield Road was rocking at Blackpool's first home Premier League.  Not that it was because the crowd were producing a fantastic atmosphere, but the adaptations that had taken place to the new seating had not been fully bolted down.

september

On the 3rd of September, Mohammed al Fayed released the £5 he promised to Mark Hughes for his summer's transfer dealings at the press conference when he was announced as the new Fulham manager.

Stoke City midfielder Rory Delap has hit out at the Nike ball being used in the Premier League.  Having practised with the Jubilani ball in the summer, he is disappointed that he can only throw the Nike Tracer ball about 50m, whereas, he has NASA verification that he landed a Jubilani ball on the Moon with one throw-in.

25th September will be remembered as a black day for the Premier League, as Blackpool met Blackburn Rovers at Bloomfield Road and the men in black were most active.  Fifteen players saw red, but there was some good news as Blackpool got their fourth Premier League point eking out a 0-0 draw when all eleven Blackburn players were sent off.

Sol Campbell reveals in an exclusive interview that the two reasons he joined Newcastle United were that his girlfriend told him that stripes would be more flattering to his figure and that he would also look slim compared to those Toon fans you always see on TV with their shirts off.

Arsene Wenger hits out at internet criticism of Fat Jack Wilshere's size.  Wenger says, "'E ees not fat.  'E az de big bums ... err, bonz."

The whole world has to take a seat as Steve Bruce praises a referee's performance.  And his team wasn't even awarded a penalty !!

october

Stung by sarcastic chanting from opposition fans, a tubby Sol Campbell (because he's not fat) suddenly appeared as a size 0 Newcastle United shirt, after he mistakenly went through what he thought was the Ashley Cole diet (eat a huge amount of humble pie and still be widely despised), but turned out to be the Lily Cole diet (eat a pound of air a day).

Controversy as Fat Jack Wilshere gets sent off while playing at Wigan Athletic, where he is on loan.  When asked about the foul that lead to his dismissal in the 12th minute of the match, he says, "Well, I was finding it hard to time my challenges, as my blood sugar level was dropping."

Sol Campbell walks out on Newcastle United after Joey Barton called him a "Buttie Boy" referring to his liking for sandwiches.

Wolverhampton Wanderers are pace-setters in the Premier League, but they have to remember it's a marathon not a ... marathon.  Have they gone too soon ?

Arsene Wenger once more hits out at the plan to introduce video replays to review incidents during games.  Wenger says, "I don't want to see it."

november

Fat Jack Wilshere is a star of the show in England's Euro qualifier at Wembley.  The Arsenal player is named by Fabio Capello as a ball boy and takes the top prize, as his weight has ballooned him to be the boy who looks the most like a ball, being nearly as perfectly round as a Jubilani ball.

Everton have quietly gone about their work this season, with a new edict came in banning the Scouse accent at Goodison.

A shock move in the Championship, where Middlesbrough change their colours to navy blue shirts and white trim with white shorts and red socks and change the name of the club to Scotland, after they become the first club to field 11 Scottish players in an English league game for nearly 90 years.

Wolves beat Blackpool and Ian Holloway isn't happy.  He says, "I didn't realise that when they said that Wolves were at the door that they meant the football team.  I half expected there to be a hairy beast in a shawl or the tax man.  Not a Old Gold shirted football team.  It was a bit like getting the girl and taking her home after the game, but not scoring.  That's our problem.  We always get the hairy granny."

Craig Bellamy walks out of a press conference after the Fulham v Manchester City Cardiff City v QPR match, when someone makes  a sheep noise.

Calamity referee Stuart Atwell causes more controversy when he rules out a penalty scored by Manchester United's Dimitar Berbatov for encroachment into the area.  The problem was he said that Berbatov was the player encroaching.

december

A shock with Liverpool in the relegation zone at Christmas.  Roy Hodgson says, "Welegation is not a word we wefer to wound here."  A journalist was asked about potential signings in the January transfer window and whether the Reds really intended to sign the ragged rascal who ran around the rocks.

Arsene Wenger roasts referees for not protecting his young player Fat Jack Wilshere.  Referee chiefs say it is not their fault as it is an easy mistake to make as the player looks so much like a ball when he is kicked.

Birmingham City are weighing up a loan bid for Fat Jack Wilshere in the January transfer window, but they are not sure their scales will be up to it.

Bolton Wanderers make their biggest signing to date, paying £40 million to Manchester City for Robinho.  Chairman Phil Gartside says, "We can shell out megabucks with the best of them and the lad can kick the ball as high as I have seen anyone do it."

West Bromwich Albion announce they are to make a signing to keep their fans happy.  The player in question is Abdulai Bell-Baggie from Reading.

Sunderland's Darren Bent announces that he is retiring from international football.  The Black Cats forward says, "I can't understand why I am constantly overlooked.  I am the leading English players in the country's top scorers and even though all of my 18 goals have come from the penalty spot, I could be useful if things go to a shoot-out."  Bent fails to mention that his shots to goals ratio from open play is currently standing at 134:1.

january

All games are snowed off and the only players happy about the postponements are those who have holiday homes in Dubai.

Fat Jack Wilshere comes into his own once the snow is gone, as he is used to roll the Highbury pitch, producing a marvellous surface to play passing football on.  Not winning football, just passing.

Everton reveal that they have been quietly plotting to become the only team in Liverpool by spending their transfer cash on sponsoring a private members bill in the House of Commons to change the boundary within the city to exclude Anfield.  This way they can be the biggest team in Liverpool.

Sunderland put in a bid for all of the Tottenham squad, their manager, backroom staff, stadium and fans.  Steve Bruce says, "I don't think Tottenham are any good and this bid is more a statement of what a big club Sunderland are."

Mark Hughes completes the final piece of the jig-saw at Craven Cottage, as he signs his fourteenth Welsh player and announces that the club will play all their games in their red away strip.

Big Sam Allardyce speaks to the media about taking Fat Jack Wilshere on loan.  The Blackburn manager says, "I don't know why everyone says he's fat.  I quite like standing next to him, as he makes me look slim."

Rumours of Neil "Razor" Ruddock coming out of retirement to play in the Liverpool defence are circulating, as comparisons had been made between him and Sol Campbell and Fat Jack Wilshere.

february

West Bromwich Albion finally obtain a shirt sponsor for the rest of the season, but have to change their shirt deign to a flowery pattern with a squirrel on it, when "Tesco's Bags For Life" pay them a five figure fee to carry their advertising for the last three months of the season.

Fat Jack Wilshere is to be examined by the Royal Institution of Great Britain at the end of the season, as he is the perfect specimen as they continue their on-going studies into black holes, as his mass is a source of constant amazement for them.

Arsene Wenger becomes the first Premier League manager to be spoken to by a fourth official in 500 consecutive games for doing that Basil Fawlty thing he does when things aren't going his way.

Roman Abramovich seems to be getting bored with being the owner of Chelsea, as he has taken to making announcements over the PA at Stamford Bridge in broken English to try and influence Ancellotti in who should come off and who should stay on.  One such announcement went, "Git da fat one ov", but Ancellotti didn't know whether he meant Terry, Lampard or Drogba or whether he should go and line up the signing of Igor Fatwonov, the Dynamo Moscow defender.

Bolton make their mark on the season, when they draw every game in February 0-0 in front of record low crowds.  Cost-cutting at the club have meant that they had to lay off all the turnstile operators and do away with goal bonuses.

march

Stoke City are hauled before the FA.  No real reason, just for them to see how their players like being pulled about.

Vuvuzelas are introduced as compulsory at Highbury ... to keep the fans awake.

Away from the Premiership, Sol Campbell, without a club since walking out on Newcastle United, buys Portsmouth with the money they owe him for his massive image rights.

England's Euro qualifying fixture against Wales makes the news as Fabio Capello goes for youth and fields a team of eleven players all making their England debuts with an average age of twelve years and three months.  Fabio says, "Rooney ... too old.  Gerrard ... too old.  Walcott .. too old.  Wilshere ... too fat."

Wigan Athletic will be playing their home games in the I Hate Mike Ashley Stadium in future after owner Dave Whelan took his feud with the Newcastle United owner to a new level.

Controversy in the FA Cup Third Round match between Liverpool and Arsenal, which had been postponed 18 times and eventually was played on March 12th, the date of the Sixth Round.  Referee Howard Webb dispenses 21 yellow cards and one red.  Webb says after the match, "The pressure was intense.  I guess this was their World ... I mean Cup Final."

Manchester City midfielder Nigel De Jong gets sent off by Stuart Atwell for putting his foot in the chest of Wayne Rooney in the Manc derby.  Atwell says, "De Jong was lucky.  He may never have found that foot again."

april

Newcastle fans are seen blubbing on the terraces again, as Mike Ashley increases the price of pies at the Mike Ashley Is Great stadium.

Fat Jack Wilshere is hailed as the new David Beckham ... by tattoo artists who want a big canvas to work on.

Controversy at Bloomfield Road, where there is a massive argument, with Wigan wearing their fluorescent orange third kit shirts and Blackpool wear their tangerine home shirts.  Robert Llewellyn Bowen is called in to sort out the colour clash.

Manchester City fans at last get the headlines they have been waiting for all season, with the proclaiming of a new range of leisure wear designed by their Spanish signing of last summer.  "Eastlands gets Silva Wear."

The game at Highbury between Arsenal and Liverpool was abandoned after a controversial decision saw both managers berate the referee and as he could not understand what either of them was saying, he called the game off, as it could have gone on all night.

After a poor season for the club, Everton chairman Bill Kenwright finally calls it a day at Goodison and sells to a mystery consortium headed by Ken Billwright.

may

Fat Jack Wilshere is proclaimed as the new Wayne Rooney, when it is revealed next season he will be leaving Arsenal and mostly be living in a caravan with a big ginger beard.

Going into the last round of Premier League matches, West Ham United management team of Alan Curbishley and Alan Pardew believe their side are mathematically safe ... only to find out that the 5 button on their calculator is coming up as a 9 and they are relegated by two points.

Blackpool are hailed as kings of the Premier League ... lowest point holders record.  Having spent the least amount of money ... a total balance of +£12.47 on player trading, they averaged almost £1 per goal as they finish bottom of the heap and return to the Championship.  Manager Ian Holloway says, "It was a bit like being on the Big One rollercoaster ... except there were no ups and no Christine Bleakley."

Manchester City add to their impressive silverware haul with silver medals in the FA Cup final, losing out 5-0 to low spenders Blackpool.  Manager Ian Holloway says, "Money can buy you everything, but money can't buy you love."

It went all the way to the last day of the season ... before someone remembered that Blackburn Rovers are still in the Premier League.

At last Manchester City get the trophy they craved.  The Premier League trophy.  No, they didn't win it, but their owners got one made just like it to put in their trophy cabinet.

The Champions League final features an all England affair at Wembley, as Spurs meet Manchester United.  The tense match goes all the way to penalties, when Ben Foster (back on loan at United after a goalkeeping injury crisis) controversially saves Tottenham's fifth penalty after all the previous spot-kicks had been scored, with the aid of an i-Pod.  The keeper threw it at the ball and knocked it onto the post and the ball then went wide.  Alex Ferguson says, "It's wonderful when new technology is introduced into the game to determine matches."  Harry Redknapp says, "We were t'riffic."

With their only hope of Europe next season, 11th place Manchester City face Liverpool, who were below them in 13th, in Dublin in the Europa League final.  Watched by a world-wide audience of 1.3 million (all but four of them based in Abu Dhabi or China), the two teams serve up a treat with the score 0-0 after extra-time, with Liverpool winning 1-0 in the penalty shoot-out after 39 penalties had all been missed, before Alberto Aquilani squeezes one in off the bar and both posts.

Sports scientists have revealed that they have been carrying out a season long study on Fat Jack Wilshere and have come to the conclusion that he is not really fat ... he is just not very good.