fifa farce


With FIFA in crisis, MEHSTG takes a look at how the organisation carries out its business in certain parts of the world


In a hot Central American city a group of men settle down to do business.  Meeting in the 'Conker Cafe', conveniently located next door to the 'Bundles of Cash Operated Money Launderette', they called to order the meeting of the "Funding In Financial Appertunities (sic)" Corp.

"Hey Pedro !  That waitress had better chuck your blazer over there or Jack will warn 'er," called Mustafa Bakanda as the Costa Rican representative Pedro Bribeezi entered the establishment.  Waiting for him at the table were Geoff Webbofvice, Chuck Usabundle, Eugenius Figureitout, Gregori Cashbak, Julio Richa and Eduardo Lies who were the main men behind the cash-driven organisation.  They looked a shady bunch and their newest idea was for some goalkeeping hand cream. 

Eduardo suggested a new slogan for their product, "If you've got dry palms, we can grease them with our green product that will be the only thing to contain wrinkles !"

"But how are we going to convince these people that we are all above board ?" asked Eugenius.

Julio answered, "We will just have to blatter these rubes into shape.  When they see the benefits of our product they will realise that it is the best thing for the game and for the world."

"So, when we are all out peddling our product, who will we be able to break into the Russian and Qatari markets ?" Usabundle wanted to know.

"Well, we will have to promote the product out there with some people who are willing to play ball.  You will find that by staging a big event in their country, they will be happy to pay for the privilege," Webbofvice explained.

"But won't there be unskilled labour who will be exploited in achieving our aims for world domination in the goalkeeping hand cream market ?" said a concerned Cashbak.

"In every war there is casualties," Bribeezi answered. "In this case, it won't be us and the authorities in those countries we target to sell our product will take the rap."

Chuck Usabundle piped up, "What about the Feds ?"

"Feds ?  Huh !!  You know what FBI stands for, don't you ?  Federal Bureau of Incompetence !"  Webbofvice snapped back.

"'Ey !  Meester !!  Keep the noise down.  You can hear that racket outside," said the cafe proprietor.

"Won't the publicity be too damaging to our reputation ?" Costas Muchaspossible from one of the member states of the company continued, having just arrived from a fishing trip off the Gold Coast.

"No, no, no Gregori.  It's not like we are paying to cover up a back-hander by Henry, our French man in the field or anything,"  Lies told him.

"So, there are no risks involved in selling our product in this way then ?" Bakanda asked.

"None at all.  It's all level playing fields and fair play, so let's get on with the game  ...  Go FIFA. Go FIFA. Go FIFA."  Richa gave as a rallying cry to send his colleagues on their way.  But the last words of his encouragement were drowned out by police sirens, as officers got out of their cars with only a single sheet to protect the innocent.


Any likeness to the fictional people, events and quotes, real or imagined, in this story is entirely coincidental and no inference about their activities of any organisation or claims being made against them are held to be true or otherwise in this story.
Justice will out.


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