what lies ahead in the rest of 2018-19 ?



The World Cup has left the Premier League shorn of some of the bigger players for the first few games and despite an early close to the transfer window, it is still open in Europe.

MEHSTG has looked into it's Crystal Palace ball to make some predictions on what might take place during what's left of the 2018-19 campaign (none of these may ever come true, although it's a funny old game, as someone once said).


AFC Bournemouth were not suffering lack of shirt lettering printing for fans shirts, which caused embarassment for those who wanted Tyrone Mings on their shirt.

Eddie Howe had to repudiate stories which were circulating about his selection policy of only picking players with surnames which can also be Christian names.  SImon Francis, Ryan Fraser, Charlie Daniels and Kyle Taylor had all featured in Bournemouth squads (not including Andrew Surman), but Howe pointed to all the other players he had put in the team as evidence that it was wholly untrue, while admitting more of those had first names which could double as surnames.

With the club looking to move to a new ground on the nearby Kings Park, Bournemouth had to confirm that the development was not reliant on striker Josh King staying with the club.



Many Arsenal fans signed a petition to have a debate in Parliament for the club to be reinstated in their proper position as the first in the alphabetical list in the Premier League, claiming that AFC Bournemouth had changed their name from Bournemouth & Boscombe FC.  Thier petition was thrown out, when it was pointed out that their real name is Woolwich Arsenal and for it to succeed, they would have to return to their South London roots, by which time they would be second frmo last in the naming list.

Fans were unsettled by Arsenal's poor start to the season, but, unlike the former manager, they backed Unai Emery with banners of support around HIghbury proclaiming "You are awful ... but we like you !"

Mezut Ozil.  You know it won't end well.


Brighton suffered a supply issue with the letter N for the names printed on fans shirts, which caused issues for those who wanted Gaetan Bong on the back of their replica shirts.

Chris Hughton revealed his unique training method for increasing the pace of his players by getting them to spill drinks of Stag weekenders and having to run away quick enough to escape a pasting.

There was a change in corporate eating at the club's ground with a new Amex-Tex menu,


Sean Dyche secured sponsorship from Brett Aggregates for the 2018-19 season, as their gravel is second only to that which produces the Burnley manager's voice.

Burnley's first foray into Europe for 50 years saw them almost miss out on their first away tie, as they tried to book with BOAC, who went out of business some 44 years ago.

A targeted fund raising campaign for the club came in selling off patches of the Burnley pitch which had to be replaced, with the money raised by the "Turf More" project going back into tending the playing surface.


Neil Warnock said that he wasn't out to win friends in the Welsh side's return to the Premier League.  We don't think there was any chance that would have happened Neil.

A shortage of the letter R in player's shirt printing caused questions about the pay received by one of the Cardiff City players, Danny, who bore the name "Wad" on his back.

Warnock was not hailing a return to the free-form music style when he said he was pleased to see Jazz back, but the fit again defender Jazz Richards making an appearance in the first team.


Chelsea started the new season with a new manager coming in from Napoli and almost apologetically announced that their new manager was Sarri.

An embarrassing moment happened in the club shop, when there was a shortage of the letter R and a run on shirts for their Brazilian winger Pedro occurred at the same time.  Foot fetishists worldwide suddenly perked up interest in the West London club.

Stamford Bridge's expansion seemed to have stalled until Roman Abramovich announced from afar that it was his intention for the club to ground share with CSKA Moscow to play their home games while their ground was being worked on, as he has links with the club and would be able to get it cheaper than Wembley. 


The Eagles manager Roy Hodgson threw down the gaunlet to the fans at the club when he asked them to put their shirts on the team doing well this season.  He had not noticed that a lot of their Holmesdale Fanatics fail to wear them anyway.

Wilfried Zaha said he would enter a diving competition as long as Harry Hornet (the Watford mascot) also took part, wagering that there was more chance of him surviving than the polyester and foam clad representative from Vicarage Road.

Crystal Palace's intended new stadium development to make Selhurst Park look like the old Crystal Palace were hit by Health and Safety concerns about playing inside what was ostensibly a very large greenhouse.  England had expressed an interest in their mens tema preparing for the 2022 World Cup by playing in it though. 


New manager Marco Silva proved to be the antithesis of "Big" Sam Allardyce to the Goodison fans.  It had nothing to do with the style of football or the results, they just called him "Little" Marco Silva.

Everton suffered a massive point deduction from the Premier League for their sleeve sponsorship, which was regarded as discriminatory, when a group of militant feminists raised objections to them being described as "Angry Birds".

The club had to go to extreme lengths to ban Everton fans Tony Bellow and Sylvester Stallone (of "Rocky" fame) from Goodison Park after an unseemly incident involved them trash talking and the club feared it might lead to fighting among these fans, so sought to exclude them from the environs of the stadium.


The Cottagers were back in the Premier League for the first time in four years, but suffered a massive funding issue when owner Shahid Khan was thinking of spending a lot of his fortune on buying Wembley Stadium, but instead spent multi-millions on his ridiculous moustache.

Fulham's return to the top flight brought some fascination about their player's names.  Neeskens Kebano is, of course, named after the noted "Kebano" chocolate bar of the 1980s, Floyd Ayite got his name as his parents were great fans of the late chef Keith Floyd, goalkeeper Fabri's name is of course short for Fabric Conditioner and Alfie Mawson's surname derived from an East End connection way back in his family history, where it was adopted from the Cockney "My Son" ... as in "Awlright Maw Son".

New goalkeeper Fabri ended the season with the title of the "Goalkeeper who wasted most time during 2018-19".  What was expected to be a tight competition between him, Kasper Schmeichel and Ben Foster was actually wrapped up by Christmas after he averaged an outstanding 35 seconds with the ball in his hands before kicking it up-field.  The Fulham goalie was only spoken to once by a referee about this all season.

The Fulham corporate dessert menu was amended for the new season to include Luciano Viennetta, Tim (D)Ream Topping, Andre Viennese Schurrles and Sergio Rico Pudding.


Huddersfield Town had a tough start to their second season in the Premier League, with the media hailing Leeds United's early form as them being the top club in Yorkshire.

Galpharm, the pharmaceutical company who sponsor the Huddersfield Town stadium, were able to cash in on the poor start to the season, by offering "Happy Patches" for sale at their games to get their fans through this rough patch.

David Wagner was voted "Best German Football Manager Spectacle wearer in the Premier League" pipping Rafa Benitez to the title after a rash of votes from Newcastle United fans desperate to have a title of some sort.


The FA called Leicester City to explain their inclusion of three stars on their shirts to denote their three League Cup wins in their history.  Unfortunately, due to a mishap in the shirt printing department, these three stars were placed before the "King Power" shirt sponsorship.

Leicester City manager Claude Puel was palpably furious over a penalty being denied to his team when they played Cardiff City.  He was seen to visibly remove his hand from his chin.

Jamie Vardy.  Just Jamie Vardy.  You can guess what will happen.

The Foxes quickly had to rename one of their premium priced bars at the King Power stadium, after a marked lack of interest in fans signing up for "The Fox Hole".


Once proud Liverpool were forced into massive spending to try and get them back into the top four.  Manager Jurgen Klopp was outraged when he thought there was a targetted campaign against his new Brazilian world record keeper signing involving death threats.  However, the German ahd misheard a fan innnocently singing an Elvis Costello (a Liverpool fan) song that bears the same name as the stopper and opens "Alison, I know this world is killing you."

The Merseyside club was praised for the dazzling style that they opened the season with.  It had nothing to do with their football, but the blindingly white chompers sported by Firmino and Klopp.

The Anfield Stadium started offering a Liverpool player based menu for their lunges including Mohammed Salad, Filet Simon Mignolet, Alberto Moreno Cherry Pie and the Sadio Mane course.  The cheese entree snack Mario Grujic and bacon souffle had to eb removed after he left for Hearty meal Berlin on loan.


Manchester City were out to show the football world that they were something special by spending lots of money on a single player and loaning out lots of their younger players.  This saw the City Football Group expand it's operation into the furthest outreaches of the globe, with a franchise in Guam targeted, but entering into a deal with Carpet Masters proved to be a big mistake, as they were once rated as the worst club in the world.

Pep Guardiola fell foul of the new ruling about managers getting cards for misbehaving or coming out of their technical area.  After his feet were too often moving beyond the coach's demarked area, it became known as the "Plimsoll Line" because of his idiosyncratic footwear.

City fans were furious that their team dropped a point at Wolverhampton Wanderers and the club quickly struck a sponsorship deal with Stanley Tools, offering fans discounted prices on sandpaper to see them through this rough patch.


Manchester United set a new record off the field with the manager Jose Mourinho giving the shortest press conference prior to the match against Huddersfield Town, when he said, "Me" and then walked out, following articles which claimed the club was all about him these days.  He was looking to prove a point, which was more than they got on many occasions.

 "Red Devils" Mascot "Red Fred" had to be renamed after United's signing of Brazilian midfielder Fred, lest they be mistaken for each other.

Paul Pogba had to answer an FA charge of bringing the game into disrepute after his haircuts made the French international a laughing stock.

Jose Mourinho.  Just Jose Mourinho.  You know it's not going to end well.


Heavily disliked among the club's supporters, Newcastle United owner Mike Ashley made the point to them that he specialised in buying failing businesses that not many other people would touch with an old fashioned bargepole.

Newcastle considered a change of strip colours to their original red shirts and white shorts.  The thinking behind this was that red is the colour of passion and many teams across the world who win things wear this colour.  Black and white is the colour of supermarket check-outs.

Rafa Benitez was furious that the club had arranged a Q&A with him without his knowledge.  He was relieved when it was pointed out to him that he didn't have to meet the public, with the manager thinking it was "Meet Rafa", but it was actually a "Meat Raffle".


Southampton were under fire for their sponsorship by the National Rifle Association after they featured Gunn and Targett in their defence.

St. Mary's saw only a few new players this summer, with excitement when headlines announced "Signings".  However, it only proved to be the loan of Liverpool player, as they ran the headline "Sign Ings". 

Saints fans had to suffer the indignity of their team losing 0-3 at St. Marys in a friendly against Hamilton Academical, who really taught them a footballing lesson.


Tottenham's lack of signings in the summer transfer window resulted in their earliest publishing of the club handbook since 1904.

Those Spurs fans who signed up to the programme subscription scheme were outraged when the delivery of the match-day magazine was delayed indefinitely and had to be sent to another address than their home address until the new stadium opened.

The honour of winning the "Golden Boot" at the World Cup finals in the summer in Russia was weighing heavily on Harry Kane, as he was having trouble getting enough back-lift with the metal footwear.

Hugo Lloris tried to defend the charge of him being caught drink driving, as he said that when he pulled quickly away from traffic lights, he was just being quick off his line.  When found guilty, he was given a fine and three points, so he found himself above West Ham United London in the table.


Watford's reputation of a family club was taken to the limit and the European Court of Human Rights when they would only sell season tickets to fans who could prove that they were Watford fans through their genealogy.

With a recent discovery of some of her early rough manuscripts, it was revealed that Agatha Christie's "Death at the Vicarage" related to a 7-1 home slaughtering they got in 1951 at the hands of Swindon Town

The introduction of Watford's new yellow and black striped shirts has outraged their supporters, who are of the opinion that they look less like Hornets and more like Wasps, but the club said there were no plans to link up with the Rugby Union side of the same name.


The East London's club continual arguments with E20 (the company managing the legacy of the stadium) over the opening of food outlets, the removal of the club's honour's list (sic) around the upper tier of the stadium and the colour of the pitch surround failed to be resolved, so an arbitration service considered that the only way to sort it out was to have a right old tear up at the stadium between the Vice Chairmen of the two bodies.  This attracted a record crowd, but many left before the end, as the Claret and Blues were once more on the losing end.

West Ham United London faced punishment of relegation from the Premier League when it was discovered that all their summer signings, totalling over 100 million pounds, were paid for in Monopoly money.

The January transfer window didn't go any better for the Irons, when it snapped shut at 23.00 on 31st January, as Jack Wilshire wasn't quick enough (can you believe that ?) and got his fingers trapped putting him out of action for 2 months.

Manuel Pellegrini's early season moans about West Ham United London fans leaving the Olympic Stadium long before the end backfired on him, as a series of home games in which they conceded early goals saw the supporters arrive late as well as departing long before the final whistle.


Wolves fans were disappointed in the launch of their new kit for their return to the top flight, as it was in the press release that came with it, that, to reflect their new-found status to the money-making machine of the Premier League, the colour of the shirts for the season would be "New Gold".

Celebrations were held across Wolverhampton when winger Helder Costa married the daughter of former Queens Park Rangers Richard Pacquette.  However, this also raised questions about the price paid for the player, who adopted a double barrelled name with his wife's added to the end of his.

A spellchecker caused major issues with Wolverhampton Wanderers players names, with the English translation of Diego Jota becoming Diego Jotter, Romain Saiss as Romain Says, Ruben Vinagre as Ruben Vinegar, Kortney Hause as Courtney House and Danny Batth as Danny Bath.

Contributions by The Heathrow Spur, Benny The Ball, Sparky Marky, Marco van Hip, Tony Staines, Ted Maul and Stan Chun.


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