treading the boards


It has been reported in the papers that Sir Al has donated 1.3m to the Hackney Empire.  "I'm a Hackney boy who is proud of my roots and wanted to put something back into my community".  Is it me or has Al become very big on this community thing? If my memory serves me well this is exactly the same hog wash that he spouted to G. Crooks on Grandstand.

Whilst this time it was just a donation, it got me thinking what it would have been like if he become the actual owner of the Hackney Empire ... and his first press conference might of gone something like this  !!!!!

Firstly let me say what an honour it is to own the Hackney Empires.

It's Empire, not Empires Sir Alan.

Don't interrupt, I know, I know, I grew up around here and this place is in my blood.

Anyway as I was saying, it is great honour to be involved and whilst I know sod all about the Theatre business I thought I would get the "biggest luvvie" of all to run the acting part whilst I'll look after the books.  Please welcome Lord "Dickie" Attenbum.

Now I know all about the heritage an tradition of this place and how it has been neglected in the past, but Dickie and myself are the best you lot are going to get.  If we are not as big as any of the theatres on Shaftesbury Avenue within three years, then you can get another brain surgeon in to sort it out.

As I said before Dickie will be in charge of the actors, but let me tell you something for nothing; unlike the Globe or the Apollo we will not be getting the likes of Kidman Hall or Hanks to play at the Empire.  We don't want a bunch of prima-donnas we will go for the throw backs from day time soaps, the has-beens, the actors no -one else wants.

Bring them in cheap ,build them up and then sell them on .It's the only way.  Some of these other theatres have no idea and if not careful will go out of business.

Finally ,as I like to keep things in the family ,my son will run the ticket office and my wife will sell the ice creams in the intervals and if any of you "scum bags or morons don't like it, then tough.

Love you all darlings.

Well it was only a thought!!!

Stuart Goldman


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