| The problem with football fans
these days is that they have it so easy. Nice comfy seats
to sit on. Hot food available to eat. More choice of hot
and cold drinks than a fully stocked off-licence. No
problems in seeing the action on the pitch. Video screens
to show you replays if you missed it the first time
around.
Well, that’s what the old-timers might say about
football in 1998, but it’s oh so different from this
dream world described above. The seats are never
comfortable. I’m afraid that a piece of plastic
moulded into the shape of Kate Moss’ arse and
separated from the row in front by the length of Janette
Krankie’s legs is not my idea of comfort. Indeed,
rows are so close together that when someone in the row
behind decides that at a crucial point in the game, they
have to visit the toilet, they knee everybody in the row
in front in the back of their heads. While there may be
relief from the “halcyon” days on the Liverpool
Kop, where during games it was more expedient to pee down
a rolled up newspaper than try to forge your way to and
from the bogs, seated fans are at risk of having the
backs of their calves scalded by hot tea or coffee which
has been kicked over from the row behind. I think the
designers of the seating arrangements must hold shares in
plastic surgery consultancies as well as plastic seating
companies!!
The view from the PVC pew is neither as good as it is
supposed to be. Whenever there is any action in one
corner of the pitch, the person in the front row nearest
the incident stands up creating a Mexican wave of people
trying to get a glimpse of what the hell is going on. It
then takes those standing a full few minutes to regain
their seats before the next ripple starts. Like being at
the cinema, you may be unlucky and be stuck behind a
basketball player or someone who turns up to games with a
tall “Eh Up For The Cup” FA Cup replica type
hat on.
The other problem with sitting is that it is always so
cold. Maybe this has something to do with my advancing
years, but the actual plastic takes a long time to absorb
any of your body heat and it is only as the final whistle
nears that it has attained a decent temperature. This is
the case for the majority of the season; the only
exception being the first few weeks, when the plastic has
the truly wonderful effect of turning your
shorts/trousers/underpants into a soggy mess. (I speak
here as a man. I understand that ladies do not sweat and
thus probably do not have to suffer the indignity of
walking out of the ground looking like they have just
come out of a washing machine.
The provision of food at football grounds has improved of
late and club’s own brands are proliferating.
Indeed, Chelsea fans were recently denied tomato sauce at
Highbury at the Coca-Cola Cup semi-final first leg,
because it only came in sachets with the Arsenal crest on
and to have to use it would have inflamed their passions
to a level that the burgers have never witnessed. Most of
the food is dire and the Mars bar I bought at Coventry
was as solid as the icy piece of plastic I had to park my
bum on for the ensuing 90 minutes. The tea and coffee
barely rises above the appearance of dishwater and I have
never been brave enough to taste the contents of one of
those plastic cups that you need asbestos hands to hold.
The video screens are a bonus as you don’t have to
stand to see what’s going on in the far corner (but
everybody else is so why not), but the FA ruling that
contentious incidents are not allowed to be replayed
means that it’s value is diminished. I’m sure
that refs would be happy to see things one more time
(yeah, sure). And anyway, if they did use it to it’s
best effect for the fans, they wouldn’t be able to
show all their marvellous adverts at half-time !! |